Have The Talk to Stop Teen Suicide
[Music]
in the next
24 hours over
3 000 american teens will attempt
to take their own lives 17 will die
according to the bureau of health
statistics teen
death from suicide is higher there are
more teen deaths from suicide than there
are teen
deaths from diabetes heart disease
cancer or homicide the center for
disease control
states 25
of our young adults are struggling
with suicidal thoughts
teen suicide
25 that’s more than double
what it was just two years ago
teen suicide is a growing and contagious
epidemic
26 years ago my daughters
were in high school and middle school
we were a stable middle class
american family it was june
1995 the beginning of summer my
daughters were getting ready for their
summer trip to visit their dad and his
family
one state away that meant
shopping
[Music]
my daughter stephanie was 14. she was
in between her sisters in between
schools
and in between clothing sizes
shopping became an adventure outfit
after outfit store after
store nothing fit her and at the end of
the day we came home
with nothing except an attitude
stephanie headed straight upstairs to
the bathroom
i collapsed on the sofa grateful to be
off my feet
peace and quiet
then
mom i think i need help my eyes were
drawn
to stephanie’s left arm blood was
dripping
down her fingers onto the wood floor
the emotional part of my brain started
screaming in terror at the sight of my
bleeding
obviously suicidal child
the rational part of my brain started
flipping through the files in my head
looking for the date of her last tetanus
shot
i wrapped her in my arms and assessed
the wounds
they were not life-threatening have you
ever felt panicky and calm at the same
time
we applied bandages we made plans
to visit the local teen mental health
facility the next day
our tears finally stopped
our mutual i’m sorries were shared
and she slept i couldn’t risk
being away from her so we slept in the
living room
between us was a handwritten note
her promise not to try and harm herself
again while i slept
yeah right like i was going to close my
eyes that night
all night i stared into the darkness
and listened to her breathe grateful she
was still alive
my thoughts world what just happened
how did this happen who’s to blame
it had to be somebody’s fault right
what followed years of counseling
therapy medications hospitalizations
interventions
and 13. yes
13 more attempts
stephanie getting professional help made
it easy for me to sell myself on the
idea
that we didn’t need to talk about it i
didn’t want to talk about it
would you want to know what could cause
your child
so much mental and emotional pain
that they thought dying was better than
living
i didn’t want to know so i didn’t ask
i was scared of putting the idea back
into her head
so i stayed silent a
silence that lasted for 23 years
then on saturday august the 3rd
2019 stephanie
now 37 breaks the silence
the morning of her talk is sunny and
already hot the hotel was on the
outskirts of sarasota florida
i walk into the conference room and
greet the 12 speakers that i’ve
trained to deliver messages that matter
the videographer sets up the microphone
and projector
work the audience take their seats
stephanie is nervous and excited
you know that state you get into right
before you give a talk
she looks amazing in her dark blouse and
flowery skirt and her hair
pulled back in combs i am super proud of
my daughter
she’s first up on the speaker’s roster
everyone help me welcome stephanie
ashton
stephanie walks confidently to the front
of the room
and shakes my hand she begins
thousand teenagers will attempt to take
their life
today in the u.s
when i was 14 at the end of a
bad day of shopping i stood in my
bathroom
the pain of not fitting into any clothes
was just more proof that i didn’t
fit in anywhere
the pain was more than i could bear i
took
a razor and cut
into my left arm trying to end the pain
and my life
i’m in disbelief it’s stephanie’s big
reveal the
i the blood drains from my face as she
talks
it wasn’t my only attempt there were
others
outside of professional help i’ve never
really talked about it not even with mom
mom and i had other talks we had
the talk about sex
we had the talk about drugs
we had the talk about alcohol then i
went to college on a dry campus
that means the kegs were hidden in the
showers of the girls dorm
but we never had the talk about suicide
i still struggle with suicidal thoughts
in the back of the room my heart sinks i
go from pale
to bone cold for the first time i
realize the struggles that stephanie has
faced alone
because i didn’t have the courage
to break the silence and have the talk
about suicide
have you ever been hijacked by a bad
memory
only my 30 years of stress management
training keeps me from crawling into a
corner and just bawling my eyes out
stephanie winds up her talk with
on my suicide avoidant journey
i’ve learned tons of coping skills
now i want to help teens learn these
skills before they need them
yes before they need them
there’s not a dry eye in the house
including mine
the audience give her a standing ovation
some of them rush up and hug her and
thank her for being so willing
so vulnerable so brave
i’m frozen in the back of the room
torn between pride for her bravery
and shame and guilt
for my cowardice
then it hit me three thousand
teens attempt to take their own lives
every day
this means every day
six thousand parents start to live
the guilt nightmare this means
every day over twenty
thousand grandparents aunts
uncles brothers and sisters start to
live
the guilt nightmare
this means hundreds of
thousands of classmates teachers
boyfriends girlfriends and neighbors
start to live the guilt nightmare that
i’d lived all
probably just as blindsided by it as i
had been
then i wondered what if stephanie was
right
what if the key to ending teen suicide
was as
simple as having the conversation about
suicide before they need it
before your teen struggles with suicidal
thoughts
this is the missing link something so
simple so obvious that professionals
have missed it they’ve tripped over it
simple and obvious like putting wheels
on luggage
simple obvious like putting ketchup in
squeezable
bottles simple and obvious
after the event stephanie and i decided
to work together
who knew that was possible
we founded together the teen suicide
prevention society
our research showed us that
teen suicide prevention is not about
intervention and it’s not
about at risk anyone
it’s not about looking for signs
it’s prevention this means
having the talk about suicide before you
think
they need it we started teaching
moms dads brothers sisters aunts uncles
grandparents and friends how to have the
talk about suicide
the talk about suicide is a planned
science-based talk
it has a short simple script
based on how the teen brain really works
a script designed to save you from the
guilt nightmare
a script designed to tell you
when intervention is needed
a script that builds emotional
resilience in both the team
and you here’s our four-step script
for having the talk about suicide
step one invite your teen to talk
one on one and ask
have you heard about the rise in teen
suicides
step two invite your teen
by asking
just ask your teen do you have a friend
who’s tried or died
step three ask your teen
have you ever thought of leaving
that way step four
ask your teen what are your reasons for
staying
why stay ask what else
keep them sharing their reasons for
staying
if your teen
has thoughts of leaving and doesn’t have
any reasons for staying stay
with them and call 9-1-1
they’ll hate you for it and you might
save their life our students
share their stories with us like raphael
he shared 16 stories
of lives that that talk about suicide
has saved so far
he works with underprivileged teenage
girls
tammy had the talk about suicide with
her troubled son
they cried together he accepted
professional help
now it’s your turn
don’t wait
break the silence
have the talk
[Applause]
you