Friendships in Adulthood 5 Things to Know
lots of people want to ride with you
in the limo but what you want is someone
who will take the bus with you when the
limo breaks down
this quote from oprah winfrey cuts to
the heart of my talk
and it relates to a story of how my
buddy aaron
took the bus with me back when aaron and
i were in college
we’d meet for dinner almost every night
we loved talking about how we’d become
psychologists
we’d go into practice together and
dreamed up ridiculous
tiny details including a waiting room
with a pool table and a sushi chef
because we were 18
and we were goofballs i have since
learned that would be
a very bad idea
after college he became a psychologist
but i didn’t i was happy for him but i
was
in a perpetual state of grief
many years went by and on a hot august
night
i hit a low point i woke up at around
2am with my heart
pounding i went into the er and learned
it was a panic attack
i later realized my panic was caused by
me quashing
my dream of becoming a psychologist
my career path saddened me daily but i
was married had a mortgage
a son and becoming a psychologist seemed
impossible
a few months later aaron and i were
hanging out i was
nearly crying when i mentioned how
heartbroken i was
that i didn’t follow my dream he said
dude you still can what ensued was
to put it mildly a heated discussion
i pushed back hard but he pushed back
harder
he wasn’t willing to let my fear kill my
dream
but he was willing to push through my
resistance
get uncomfortable and fight for my
happiness
his courage and commitment gave me new
life
i became a psychologist i love my work
and it wouldn’t have happened without my
friend
friendship is a really big deal and yet
compared to the number of books on
romantic relationships
there are few books on friendship
i want to share with you five ideas you
need to know about
adult friendship in my experience these
five ideas can make a big difference
in your life the ideas come from
research
my observation as a silicon valley
psychologist and my personal experiences
with friendship
so here goes idea one loneliness
can be lethal let’s first look at
loneliness
according to a recent survey three out
of five americans
are lonely u.s surgeon general
dr vivek murthy described loneliness as
a public health issue
it can be more predictive of mortality
than even
obesity it’s important to contrast
loneliness
from solitude solitude is not the same
as loneliness
solitude which is choosing to be alone
can be restorative and
even essential but loneliness is painful
and something no one would ever choose
that said good relationships improve our
health
a harvard study spanning more than 80
years showed that men lived longer and
were happier
when they had close relationships and it
wasn’t how many relationships they had
instead it was the quality of
relationships
that mattered research also shows
that social support improves recovery
times when we’re sick or recovering from
medical
procedures without question
our health improves with good
friendships idea two
forget about cryptocurrency for a minute
invest
in friendship to earn the benefits of
friendship we need to invest by treating
our friends
as our a-listers because they are
a-list treatment includes being caring
empathic
honest reliable trustworthy
loyal present and a good listener
it also means reaching out and showing
up
it’s a virtuous cycle the more we invest
in friendship
the better people we and our friends
become friendship shows up a lot as a
topic
in my office and here’s a story about
investing in friendship
that comes from an amalgamation of
several clients
we’ll call him fred fred is a successful
venture capitalist and a likable guy
yet he complained of having a void in
his life
he said he had no friends he had lots of
connections on social media
and lots of people would be very happy
to ride with him in the limo
but nobody would ride the bus with him
although fred was a powerful man he felt
powerless to even start
to fill the void he was well educated
but like most of us he wasn’t educated
on how important friends could be
or how to do friendship
he had friends up through college but
after college
he didn’t maintain friendships or grow
new ones
he also got a reputation for being a
flake whose only priority was business
fred was a venture capitalist a
professional
investor who didn’t invest
in friendship fred hit rock bottom and
decided
to change he began to invest by making
time in his calendar
for friends he called them often with
no agenda just to say hi he hung out
with them
he showed up emotionally and he showed
up on time
he put away his phone when he was with
them
and as we worked toward his friendship
goals he’d ask himself
how have i shown up as a friend this
week
the result in fred’s words the return on
his friendship
investment was far better than any
business investment he’d ever had
we’ve got to be like fred friendship
requires investment idea three
friendship can boost your love life when
we invest in good friendships our
romantic relationships improve
until a few hundred years ago we lived
in tight-knit communities
you know that saying it takes a village
couple’s therapist esther perrell talks
about how we once
had an entire village to count on for
all kinds of social needs
now we tend to place all of those needs
onto one person
our significant other since we all have
a broad spectrum of needs it’s
impossible and
unreasonable to expect our primary
partners
to meet them all while i’m talking to
all genders
research suggests that men in particular
may struggle to find and maintain
friendship
especially in western nations men can be
socialized
to be independent which can sabotage
their quest for friendship
we see lots of movies with the
independent guy a solitary protagonist
representing an ideal
we glorify a guy whose life recipe
results in sadness and loneliness
men who follow in those footsteps may
unintentionally put
the burden of all the missing
friendships
onto their spouses and regardless of
gender
it’s uncommon for anyone to appreciate
every single aspect of their partner
that’s what friends are for our romantic
relationships benefit from friendship
idea four even superheroes
have limits there are limits to what any
friend can provide
friends are like superheroes with
strengths and limits
a friend who’s happy to help you move
might not be able to do the heavy
lifting of emotional support
when you go through a tough time another
friend
might be unable or reluctant to help you
move but might shine
in supporting you after a breakup
friendships do better
when we know our friends limits but
sometimes we can gently challenge those
limits and discover that our friendship
has more elasticity than we thought
that’s a great way for friendships to
deepen
but if they don’t friendships can still
thrive when we accept those limits
gracefully
idea five it’s a bad idea to spend more
time choosing a car
than choosing our friends what’s good to
think about
when choosing friends it’s a good idea
to look for people who reflect the
person
we want to become we humans are social
animals
studies show that as individualistic as
we may think we are
we still tend to conform or be
influenced by others
there’s truth to the idea that we become
the average
of the five people we spend the most
time with
so choose friends whose judgment you
value
think about all the times you seek
advice from a trusted friend
our friends become our advisory board
and shape how we think
and we need to pay attention as
friendships develop
according to research it takes between
three to nine weeks to make a friend and
to make a good friend about four months
but we only really know our friends over
time
especially how well they can celebrate
with us when we win
and how well they support us when we
lose
and while it can be fun easy and safe to
talk about
topics like movies politics and
technology
in close friendships it’s also important
to talk about
how we are really doing
can we truly share what’s going on in
our lives this takes trust
safety and vulnerability remember my
story how vulnerable i was with aaron
because of that vulnerability i found
the courage
to make a change and this is consistent
with what dr brene brown’s research has
shown
courage and vulnerability go hand in
hand
we can only be courageous if we are
willing
to be vulnerable but the payoff can be
a stronger friendship and a stronger you
and whomever you choose as a friend
you’ll be giving them your most precious
and non-renewable resource your time
you can lose your money and get it back
you can lose your health and get it back
but you can’t lose your time and get it
back
a good use of time is being in
reciprocal relationships with a healthy
give and take you can ask yourself
does the friendship feed me or bleed me
obviously you’ll want to feel fed by
your friendship meaning nourished or
enriched and you’ll want this for your
friend too
even in the best friendship we may we
may feel bled
or depleted at times but it’s important
to notice
a great way to discern the fetter bled
is by doing what i call
the driveway test imagine you’ve been
hanging out with a friend whether in
person on the phone or
even online how do you feel
driving away or leaving the encounter
do you feel taller happier better or do
you feel
deflated exhausted or perhaps used
and sometimes if negative feelings
persist
we might have to move on if this happens
it can be helpful to do so with
gratitude for the time you shared
what do we think about at the end of our
lives we think about our
relationships loved ones family and yes
friends as for me i’m sure i’ll reflect
on friendships about aaron
and that epic conversation when he said
dude you still can
the effect of that conversation showed
me all five things
you need to know about adult friendship
my health
improved my investment in friendship
paid off
my wife is happier because i’m happier
and even though there are limits since
aaron lives in hawaii
it’s still a great friendship and for
sure
i chose a great friend and advisor
i’ll close with the words of tennessee
williams life is partly
what we make it and partly what is made
by the friends we choose i’ve got to add
finding a therapist with a pool table
and a sushi bar in their waiting room is
a long shot
a better bet is this good friendships
can deepen and enrich our lives
immensely
thank you