Hey there delusive thought lets go on a date tonight
relax rouhani
you’ll be just fine as you always have
did anyone notice those words hovering
in the background
[Music]
can you relate to any of them
does it remind you of something
of a big mush of thoughts and emotions
that just don’t know where they belong
of your heart impelling you to find your
truth
in a predetermined world of the sneering
midlife crisis
before you’ve understood the term crisis
let me tell you what it reminds me of it
reminds me of a girl
who despite being at the counselor’s
office
thrice a week didn’t recognize that she
was struggling with her thoughts
she would go to the counselor cry it out
and temporarily feel better
she never for once understood the terms
mental health
or mental illness even though she was
constantly drained emotionally
bitter throughout the ib and just wished
that someone would save her from her
thoughts
she never believed that her thoughts had
the power to affect her gut
nor that her racing heartbeats were
dangerous
as long as she could get work done
nothing else mattered
funny huh how we tend to identify the
big bad things
occurring in our lives as catastrophe
and the ceaseless back and forth
bickering of our thoughts
as harmless left unchecked our thoughts
go on to create the catastrophes
we’re facing in our world at every level
as our emotions
develop through our thoughts and
together our emotions and thoughts
determine the quality of our actions
thus our thoughts emotions and actions
are deeply interlinked and deeply impact
the relationships we have with ourselves
our fellow humans other living beings
and mother nature
do you know what my guru puja baitry
defines
as mental illness being regretful of the
past
excessively worrying about the future or
being overly attached
to the present this last one
quite reminds me of myself because when
i was in school
i found solace in routine pooping every
morning
going to school coming back doing
homework
exercising having three meals a day
spending time with family and repeating
that was my life a carefully constructed
formula
that dared not change and every time i
tried to change
i worked even harder to keep it intact i
felt so proud
every every time i defeated time in that
moment
[Music]
i thought i had mastered time management
but what’s the point
if it doesn’t welcome change what’s the
point
if you can’t make time to develop the
most nurturing bond
of your life the bond between yourself
and your thoughts because prioritizing
everything but yourself
and having answers to everyone else’s
questions
will not quench your thirst it will
instead
make you this irritable human being who
will eventually
combust like i did after high school
when life became uncertain
a word i absolutely and passionately
despised
and one that still makes me quite
uncomfortable
i was so accustomed to the words
perfection
certainty grades competition and the
phrase
i will be happy once but i couldn’t
acknowledge the nourishing words
such as growth change
self-care gratitude journey
not until i was thrown into the messy
reality of life
not until i went away to study
architecture in edinburgh
my proud answer to every auntie that
would ask so
what are you going to study better but
only to realize
that i was fading and i wasn’t able to
speak about it
because i felt ashamed of not knowing
what the future held
if i quit these were not
feelings i recognized but i had to quit
eventually because my inert body
was pleading with me please
help me be with me
because i can’t go on any longer
i was battling between healing myself
fast so that i could go back to school
or giving myself the time i required to
heal
i ended up going back to another
university and came back
in three months i know it sounds funny
to my ears as well
but at that point in time i was
devastated
so devastated that my heart sobbed
in a numbed paralyzed body
i thought that one big bad event was
enough for a lifetime
but two big bad events and that too
consecutively
i must be cursed this time
i couldn’t get out of that messy
daunting state
all i did was repent my past choices
and indulge in negative self-talk as if
it were a big bowl of belgian chocolate
ice cream
all my sentences began with what if and
i wish i this time i had to sit
through the ruthless pain and feel every
aching moment of it i had to deal
with every thought lovingly
in simpler terms i had to learn how to
think
you know the way we learn to solve math
problems
by doing them over and over again
because thinking is hard thinking makes
us question everything
and confuses us even more right
but imagine we had someone to guide us
through our thoughts
someone who offered us options for
addressing
our problems someone who simply
listened to us rant about life
yes i’m talking about a therapist
the one person i never wanted to meet
because i found it pointless
and belittling but then she never
treated anything i talked about
as pointless not even my poop conundrum
that lasted for eight sessions straight
it was when my bowel started to relax a
little and my poop cycle started to
change
that i finally agreed that yes our gut
is very much affected by our thoughts
because whenever i’m anxious
my whole body becomes rigid and my
bowels
stop working it’s my body’s way of
telling me
uh oh something’s wrong can you please
address it so that i can function
normally again
i find it both fascinating and
disturbing
that a single persistent thought let
alone several thoughts
has the power to make or break our body
all we need is a medium any medium
that will drive us to confront our
thoughts
any medium that will reveal to us the
source
of our mental burden so that we can
tackle it
and learn from it not tackle it and
forget about it
so that when the next problem comes we
don’t know what to do
and are once again questioning why me
it’s like getting stuck into a new hole
if we didn’t retain what we tackled
from what we uh if we didn’t retain
what we learned from tackling our last
hole
then this hole would feel just as
obnoxious
and foreign as if we’ve never dealt with
getting stuck
inside a hole before which we all have
starting from the baby that persistently
tries to get back up
after experiencing its first fall
however had we carried along the
learning with us
from our last hole and practiced it
along the way
we would realize that every hole
although they may vary in depth size
or substance are connected by one force
our approach our approach dictates
how we see life and thus thrive through
each distinctive whole
along the way we refine our approach
by sitting with our thoughts every
single day
no matter how uncomfortable or baffling
it may be
to understand them so that we can
nurture them from our past experiences
and blossom into a tree of felicitous
thoughts
becoming a tree of felicitous thoughts
allows us
to live in the present without grieving
the past
becoming too comfortable with the
present or over worrying about the
future
we no longer delay happiness but we’ll
naturally find it everywhere
such that even when we’ve fallen into a
hole we don’t realize
but if we do we work towards getting out
of it
instead of dwelling over why me because
as my guru says happiness and sorrow are
two wrestlers on the battlefield
when one is on top the other is trampled
underneath
but they’re both still there coexisting
in a world of duality
which is exactly why we need consistent
compassionate introspection to help us
maintain a rhythm in this dualistic
world
to help our minds unclog effortlessly
the way writing when i met rouhani
unclogged mine
when i started writing the book in late
2016
my goal was much simpler i wanted to
create
a love story that was divine one
where the characters sought more than
just sensual gratification
this was an experimentation not for the
world to see
but when i picked up my almost discarded
manuscript in 2018
a series of positive what ifs followed
what if rouhani is based on you what if
aditya and rouhani
are both manifestations of you what if
the love story
is set within the context of your past
experiences
there were two rouhanis now the one
writing about rouhani
and the character herself the one
writing about rouhani
was peeling several layers of her past
experiences and identity
off as she fed it to her manuscript
whilst the character herself was working
towards peeling off those layers
through the journey of the book now
there were still events small holes
occurring outside my book life events
that i couldn’t control
but knowing that i could control the
events inside my book
made me feel both grateful and like a
badass
the more i molded the plot and
characters through my writing
the better i felt internally it felt
like moving around
thought blocks until they fit perfectly
to the tune
and structure of my head i felt
empowered
to create holes and then make sure that
my characters
got out of them because it only
supported me
into getting out of my holes so i was
being unconsciously
selfish the more i wrote the more i
realized
that my story carried many people’s
struggles
that it encompassed mundane sentiments
and this is when i realized the bigger
purpose of my book
i wanted to give a voice to all those
girls and boys who were struggling with
men
of with internal issues that they were
unable to speak about
because of fearing the society their
family
or even themselves i wanted to let them
know
that rouhani is here for them that is
their strength
and always will be thus the scope had
changed
which wouldn’t have been possible in
so funnily enough i thank my unpleasant
experiences
those unforeseen holes that made me
question my existence back then
because without them when i met rouhani
would not exist
and without when i met rohani well i
wouldn’t be up here
so if you don’t know what you want say
i don’t know what i want yet that’s when
that thought of yours
will delightedly accept defeat aha
she finally acknowledges my existence
she accepts me
every time we accept our lack of
knowledge or rather
our ignorance in the moment we’re
conquering
our ego by declaring that persistent
unsettling thought we realize knowledge
of our lack of knowledge which is a very
first knowledge
our curiosity and willingness to receive
what we don’t know
opens us up to a journey in the light of
positivity
filled with endless possibilities we’re
giving our unsurety
a high five and telling it let’s work
together buddy
you you and i have a lot of not to
untangle
that’s the brave journey that rouhani is
on thank you