The Traits of an Adult Child of Dysfunction.
[Music]
my jaw
dropped tick tick
tick the sound i heard in my head
as my sister jen listed one by one
the trait of an adult child of alcohol
she was studying this
for her college course for us
it was alcohol but the research found
that these traits equally applied to
environments such as gambling
drug addiction abuse or dysfunction
traits like loving people who needed
rescuing
that was me tick
low self-esteem tick
people pleasing seeking the approval of
others
tick avoiding conflict tick
more comfortable living in drama than
peace
tick terrified
of personal criticism tick
by the age of 16 i was drinking heavy
gone from one toxic relationship to
another my doctor had diagnosed me as
depressed
the 25th of february 1998 i was 23.
it was supposed to be the best day of my
life
i had walked around the clock to save
the deposit for myself and my son’s
first home
but my boyfriend at the time was an
alcoholic
just two months before we were due to
sign for our house
he hit the drink became deeply depressed
and he refused to get out of bed i had
tried
everything to help him it was never
enough
i remember the day we got our keys we
had no money for new furniture
but i had bought some new pots and pans
the evening we were moving in i left my
son with my mom and i’m so glad i did
we had another huge brow
but this time something inside me
changed
i finally accepted that this needed to
end
i spent a total of one night in my new
home
i left the next morning but i never once
regretted my decision to live
and take my new pots and pans with me
low self-esteem tick
two years after i bought my pots and
pans i fell
head over heels in love with ian
we’d only been dating for a few weeks
when i heard the words slip out of my
mouth
i love you
did i just say that all sorts of stories
went running through my mind
as a deadly silence hung in the air
oh was his reply i had
never met anyone like this guy he was so
confident
he was so self-assured what did he see
in me
i was possibly an alcoholic i was
depressed
i made a mess of things how could
someone like him
ever love someone like me a couple of
weeks later
i was at home alone i was having a few
drinks when i felt
so low i went looking in the cupboards
for pills
the rest was just a blower until i woke
up in hospital
after having my stomach pumped
if you ever do that to me again he said
i’m gone i love you amanda
but i’m not staying in a relationship if
you do this to me again
i knew he meant it i knew he would live
after that life was good to us but it
was not without its challenges
and that was mainly my drinking i had a
huge
sense of entitlement when it came to my
nights out
because this was my only escape from my
dark thoughts and my harsh self-judgment
when i drank that all disappeared
i was the life and soul of the night out
i was fun
i was liked i needed that feeling
and i wasn’t giving that up for anyone
even in
now years passed and eventually
i began to work on myself and the more i
worked on myself
the less i needed those drunken highs
i liked the sober me i had a
deep sense and knowing
that life had more for me i was driven
to challenge myself and i’d even started
my own business
but i still
sought the approval of others tick
despised this side of me i hated that i
agreed with everyone
even when i didn’t that my identity was
wrapped up
in what everyone else thought of me it
caused me
endless amounts of stress and anxiety
i hated that i would say yes when i
meant no
or i’d smile and look interested in
conversations
when the truth was i often didn’t
understand what the other person was
talking about
one day i was queuing up for lunch
at a business event when the guy beside
me started a conversation
i smiled i asked him the only question i
could think of
and what’s your business i own a
logistics company told me
oh marvelous i had no idea what that
meant
now the old me would have stood in dread
dreaded that he would think i was stupid
i’ve heard the logistics i said
but i’m not sure what it means could you
explain please
because i had began to challenge my
behavior
he beamed a smile of course
i’d be happy to i felt 10
feet tall i did it i asked the question
without caring what he thought of me i
felt empowered
for some people who have been brought up
in environments
such as gambling drug addiction abuse
alcoholism or dysfunction my
experiences may seem simple
but for me they were highly significant
when i reflect i believe one thing stood
out
i took responsibility i took
responsibility
when i left my gorgeous brand new home
after one night
i took responsibility when i started to
work on myself
and i took responsibility when i
politely
demanded to know what logistics meant
on the august bank holiday weekend 2017
age 42 i went on an almighty bender
i came home after three days and i sat
in my couch
and as i sat there all the old feelings
came flooding back the guilt
the shame and the regress
i taught about the confident
self-assured sober amanda who was
building a driving business
and i quietly came to the decision
i’m done i took responsibility
i finally quit alcohol
i became aware of my new feelings
hope and my faith and i ran with them
and i’ve become the person i always knew
i was meant to be i
invite you to take responsibility
and add hope and become the person that
you know
you’re meant to be
[Music]
you