A Divine Departure A Journey of A Moslem Transman

Dozens years ago

When I’m studying in madrasah ibtidaiyah or equal to elementary school

I spent alot of time in boy dorm in an islamic boarding school that founded by my Grandfather

and manage by my parents that time

I’m happy and I feel that I’m part of them. And I feel that I just like them.

I feel so free as a boy

But each time I to go to school I have to wear a skirt

People said male student wear a pants and female student must wear a skirt

You as a female student have to wear a skirt at school.

This make me feel unfree and sad during my school time.

So each time I’m back from school, I changed my skirt to pants and start playing around like other little boy.

then I went into madrasah tsanawiyah or equal to middle school.

My parents start telling me that I as a teenage girl are not allowed anymore to play in boy’s dorm with the boy students.

you have to wear hijab and stay at the girl’s dorm.

I feel that my happiness taken away that time.

Since that time I don’t see me as I am.

Somany poeple told me that I’m a tomboy.

I have a lot of tomboy friends, till now they’re still look masculine.

But they don’t think that there’s something wrong with their body

Instead of me, I have a lot of question and struggle in my mind questioning about who I am.

That situatin happening so long until I went to university.

During my collage time I read a lot and spend a lot of time in organization.

Then I realized that the world is filled with so diverse human identities.

Include the gender and sexual identities

so I studied more and more about my own gender identities.

until I realize that I’m not a woman.

I am a man, I’m a transman

Then I have the courage to tell this to my mother.

That moment when I share this story to my mother is the most touching moment in my life.

Because before that I never have a deep conversation with my mother.

But when I share that story. I feel so close with her for the first time.

After two to three hours of story.

几十年前，

当我在 madrasah ibtidaiyah 或小学就读时，

我花了很多时间在一所由我祖父创办并由我父母管理的伊斯兰寄宿学校的男生宿舍里度过了

那段时间，

我很高兴，我觉得我 是他们的一部分。 我觉得我只是喜欢他们。

小时候很自由

但是每次上学都得穿裙子

人家都说男生穿裤子，女生穿裙子

你作为女学生在学校就得穿裙子。

这让我在上学期间感到不自由和悲伤。

所以每次放学回来，我都会把裙子换成裤子，开始像其他小男孩一样玩耍。

然后我进入了 madrasah tsanawiyah 或等于中学。

我的父母开始告诉我，作为一个十几岁的女孩，我不再被允许在男生宿舍和男生一起玩。

你必须戴头巾并留在女生宿舍。

我觉得我的幸福带走了那段时间。

从那时起，我就看不到我的本来面目了。

很多人告诉我，我是个假小子。

我有很多假小子的朋友，直到现在他们仍然看起来很男性化。

但他们不认为他们的身体有什么问题，

而不是我，我有很多疑问和挣扎在我的脑海中质疑我是谁。

这种情况发生了很久，直到我上大学。

在我拼贴的时候，我读了很多书，花很多时间在组织上。

然后我意识到这个世界充满了如此多样化的人类身份。

包括性别和性身份，

所以我越来越多地研究自己的性别身份。

直到我意识到我不是女人。

我是男人，我是变性人

然后我有勇气把这件事告诉我妈妈。

与妈妈分享这个故事的那一刻，是我一生中最感人的时刻。

因为在那之前，我从来没有和妈妈有过深入的交谈。

但是当我分享这个故事时。 我第一次觉得和她这么亲近。

经过两三个小时的故事。