Transforming Trauma Into Resilience and Strength
[Music]
so
do you swear to tell the truth and
nothing but the truth
i swear i stood there on the stand ready
to tell my story
at least that was the idea i had in my
head i am going to get to share my story
right
what happened to me wrong as long as
you’re in a courtroom where you’re asked
to prove that what happened to you is
true
you’re not the main character you’re not
the hero you’re just
a chapter in his book there are five
main characters in the courtroom
the judge who oversees the case the
defendant
him the crown prosecutor whose job is to
prove that beyond a reasonable doubt the
defendant is guilty
defense whose job is to prove that the
defendant is not guilty
and the witness that was me and my job
was to tell the truth
crown began asking me questions
regarding the statements and allegations
i made against the defendant
the more questions asked the more fear
anxiety and panic i could feel
swirling through my body like a tornado
ready to cause destruction
i wasn’t aware i could ask for a break
so i kept going
despite the fact that i was increasingly
getting pushed further outside my window
of tolerance
the window that allows us to gauge where
we are emotionally and how those
emotions may be impacting our nervous
system
and our ability to regulate my body
language began to change
i can no longer make eye contact with
the crowd my head was tilted down as i
was slowly picking off
the light pink nail polish i painted my
nails with that morning
thankfully there was an objection in the
courtroom and i was asked to leave
i stood outside the doors hoping someone
would come but there was no one
i chose to enter the preliminary hearing
portion of trial alone because i figured
that
telling the truth was easy for those who
may be wondering
why would she choose to do this alone
well
the defendant was my stepdad and his
support team was my mom
shame and guilt they coincide with one
another this felt like a secret i needed
to keep
from my friends and from the rest of my
family i didn’t realize how badly i
needed support
until i was standing alone
i was called back in i took a deep
breath and blinked away the tears
starting to form in my eyes
defense would make statements like you
made this up
you manipulated everyone into thinking
it was him you convinced talia to join
in on this elaborate plan
me and my younger sister talia have
always been the closest however
separated by a system we legally were
not allowed to sit in on each other’s
testimonies
let’s take a step back for just a minute
and look at what happened to me in this
courtroom
it’s important to do this because parts
of my story are shared by many survivors
our court system presumes the innocence
of the accused
for survivors that means that our
stories are automatically doubted
the second i stepped into that courtroom
all the responsibility of having to
convince an older
intimidating more educated group of
people
following a centuries-old system of law
fell on my shoulders
i wasn’t prepared for this i didn’t have
a support system to rely on and
as you’ll continue to hear it was very
traumatic
survivors have already suffered enough
trauma telling their stories to the
courts
shouldn’t add to that trauma i was only
11 years old the first time this person
chose to take advantage of the power and
control he carried
standing in that courtroom inside that
witness box it
wasn’t an adult being questioned it was
that little 11 year old girl who
loved hannah montana and playing
grounders in the park
somehow that little girl was being
convinced that her truth wasn’t enough
how could someone make me feel like i
failed at telling my truth
before i could finish testifying that
swirling tornado touched down
i began to cry and couldn’t catch my
breath i left the courtroom and fell to
the ground
i laid there on my side with my knees
tucked into my chest
with my face hidden by my hair don’t
touch me get away is what i would repeat
over and over again until eventually
i just blacked out completely
drama response the most significant one
i have ever
and hope to ever have
i’m telling you about one of the most
difficult moments of my life because
it is only through sharing these stories
that we’re able to counter the shame and
fear that keep survivors silent
survivors lives are changed forever the
moment an abuser chooses to violate them
for me i chose to change my narrative
through reporting
that makes me and my story incredibly
unique because over ninety percent of
sexual assault cases go unreported
fast forward one year post-preliminary
hearing where we were told that enough
evidence had been proven to grant us a
trial
cue anxiety
just thinking of having to testify again
would make me anxious
the thought of that trauma response
would create a fear in me
i could not and would not walk into that
courtroom alone
if you’re ever looking for court support
search court support
it works casa came up first
calgary communities against sexual abuse
i would muster up the courage to call
them explain my complex situation
provide them with a court date and then
magic i was paired with my support
worker less than one week after my
initial call
i met heather my support in all things
trial and feelings
this working relationship would mark the
first time i ever truly felt validated
and believed
she would create a safe place for me to
search for strength and would teach me
how
sitting in the silence would give me an
opportunity to find my voice again
whatever anxiety i’d bring to her we’d
work through it together
she’d educate me on my rights and
explain every relevant detail about
trial
each week a little closer to trial a
little less anxiety with each session
that would pass by
after many delays we would walk back
into that courtroom
but this time was different this time i
would walk in with people who had my
back
when i took the stand again i proved to
myself that i was capable and strong
enough
to transform my drama into resilience
and strength
this is what that looked like i hugged a
teddy bear
picked up a rock closed my eyes
breathed in through my nose counted to
five
exhaled and when i was ready i opened my
eyes
then and only then when i take the
witness box
when i looked up i saw heather and my
best friend amy
my eyes locked with theirs and every
fear every doubt became minimal knowing
that if i left that courtroom in tears
i’d have my girl getting ready to wipe
them away
do you swear to tell the truth and
nothing but the truth
i swear crown began her questioning
nailed it defense defense was my villain
but
i was about to shock her with my
strength when defense began
so did the pounding in my heart my hands
became clammy and my body began to
shiver as if i was freezing when in
reality
it felt like my body was on fire i took
a second to remember all the coping
strategies i’d worked on with heather
i could hear her voice in my head close
your eyes
count to five breathe in through your
nose
exhale feel your body relax
where are your feet are they planted on
the ground
wiggle your toes wiggle your fingers and
when you’re ready
open them i was safe i had heather and
amy right in front of me
ready to celebrate any accomplishment i
would make during this process
when defense spoke i knew the answers to
all her questions and this time
i made a point of making eye contact
with her i fear i was able to get
through during my sessions with heather
i wasn’t going to let her stick me into
a box of vulnerability
my strong response remained throughout
the rest of cross-examination
i remember answering questions so well
that it calls me that it calls defense
to fumble over her words and have to
refer to her paperwork
finally i was released from the stand
what a mic drop that was
i smiled from ear to ear jumping out of
my body
twirling in circles like a little girl
because that’s what i was when this all
began
a little girl i was so empowered and so
proud at all the accomplishments i had
made
i looked to heather wide-eyed and with
the biggest smile no trauma response
that right there was my victory
conquering my biggest fear
facing my biggest villain we went
through a 10-day trial
with ups and downs tears and laughter
and a lot of taco bell
it was messy it was scary and
unpredictable but with a willingness to
see this trial through
we made it i understand that when
hearing stories like mine
we want the outcome to be a guilty
verdict less than three percent of
sexual assault cases are found guilty
and unfortunately
we fell right into that statistic
yes the verdict was not guilty
disappointed
definitely overwhelmed and relieved
of course but the biggest feeling of all
proud
my objective was not a guilty verdict my
objective was to prove to myself that i
was capable and strong enough
to transform my trauma into resilience
and strength
i crushed that trial i transformed every
fear
every doubt every anxiety all that
trauma
into resilience and strength
my story changed when i found support
when i learned techniques and tools to
get me through a court experience
when i was validated listened to and
believed
but none of that would have happened if
i hadn’t taken the steps to make it
happen
none of that would have happened if i
hadn’t advocated for myself
so where do we go from here your journey
and your story will look different than
mine
however as survivors we will always have
one thing in common
no matter what anyone says or things
you’re the hero
now all you have to do is find your
sidekicks they’ll have your back and
they’ll empower you through it all
this is your story you decide how it
ends not a system
or a piece of paper not a judge or a
defense lawyer
and when it comes to that villain
whoever or whatever it is
you got this close your eyes and when
you open them
get ready to conquer i was told by
someone i admire
rupa to always tell my truth to use my
voice because it is loud fierce and
powerful
with her inspiration i now pass this
advice along to you
be brave be bold and be loud just
don’t be silenced