Why Asking How Are You Doing Is Transformative
Transcriber: Lucrezia Assoldelli
Reviewer: Maria Pericleous
How are you doing?
Now I want you to think about
when’s the last time you asked
someone else this question
and when’s the last time someone
asked you this question.
I’m a peer support leader
at my school, and this means
that it’s my role
to check in with my classmates
and see how they’re doing.
So I ask this question a lot.
Normally I get two kind of replies
the first its a typical
one- to three-word reply.
Some variation of “I’m fine”,
or “I’m stressed”.
And the second is
when they elaborate from the get go.
Think about how you could continue
these conversations
because, ultimately, what you say
will determine how useful they can be.
At the start of the year
talking to people
felt like something I had to do
like a job almost.
It felt like a chore,
to have to check up on people
who I didn’t necessarily
care that much about,
when I wasn’t doing too great either.
So I didn’t put much effort in.
And, well, people reacted
to what I gave them.
More and more conversations
defaulted to shallow topics
and, although I did talk to
and check up on people,
neither of us were really
better off for it.
Soon, even friendships
which I already had,
had started to crumble.
The change was gradual, so I didn’t really
register that it was happening,
until I had an hard day,
and I wanted to talk to someone
I was scrolling through my contacts
and realized that there was no one
who I thought would want to listen.
I hadn’t put in the effort to build
a foundation for meaningful conversations.
It really was a wake-up call that,
well, I needed to do more.
When you try to engage with someone
but they don’t engage back,
it’s daunting, to say the least,
and to be honest, I didn’t know
how to continue from there.
Remember the two kinds of replies?
Take either one, and reply
with a one-word answer,
and that conversation
will most likely end there.
Imagine pouring your heart out to someone
only to get a one-word reply
like “same” or “OK”.
Would you feel like continuing
that conversation,
even talking to that person in
the future? Well, I wouldn’t.
I mean, why would I talk to someone
who doesn’t seem like they care
or makes it seem like I’m bothering them?
That’s why it’s important to empathize
when people talk to you
and voice out your support.
There’s no point in just thinking
“Oh wow, that must be hard!”
or “I’ve been struggling with that too”,
because well, they can’t read your mind.
Even if it’s not offering advice,
it’s still helpful, it affirms
how they’re feeling
and even shows that they’re not alone
in their struggles.
It helps to create a safe space
where people can sound out
how they’re really feeling
without having to sugarcoat
or push down a part of themselves.
When you share your struggles
you’re being vulnerable
and vulnerability builds
stronger connections
by showing them your trust.
Vulnerability builds a foundation
for further conversations
by providing meaningful
and important topics to discuss,
and showing that it’s okay
to share and be open.
Let me share a story
where I think this applied.
To go home from school I take the bus,
and it’s normally empty enough
for me to sit by myself.
But once it was so crowded
that my only option was to sit
next to someone else.
That day, I had slept
or less than four hours,
and the last thing that I wanted to do
was talk to someone.
I vaguely knew them
and I’d see them around,
but I wouldn’t say we were friends at all.
But that day we got to talking
and sharing, and most importantly,
trying to understand each other.
We talked about our subjects and homework,
about how stressed we were for the exams,
about what we thought
the stress was made worse by,
and about what we thought
we could do to fix it.
And we’re still pretty close today.
If we just make small talk
about the weather
or if it had been a one-sided conversation
there would be no foundation
for us to keep talking,
or a desire to keep the friendship alive.
It would have been far less helpful
or beneficial to both of us.
When we talk about vulnerability
we see it from the point of view
that is something negative,
something we should avoid.
If you’re vulnerable, you’re fragile,
you’re weak, you’re powerless.
We’re so scared of opening up, that
we let what could have been slip away.
It’s time to change our point
of view on vulnerability.
It’s time to use it to our advantage,
and build the culture
where we can empathize with
and understand each other.
Over the course of the year,
I’ve been able to see a change
in how much people
are willing to talk to me
and how open they’re willing to be.
I honestly don’t feel like it’s something
I’m stuck doing anymore,
but more of something that I’m able to do.
But the thing is, no matter how good
or bad of a job I do,
it’s impossible for me to reach everyone.
I might have the greatest conversation
ever with someone.
But if the empathy ends there,
there still won’t be a change in culture.
But if the person I’m talking to
reaches out to their friends,
and their friends in turn
reach out theirs and so on.
Think about the reach that could have.
Imagine being able to cultivate
this culture of empathy,
to keep spreading it.
Imagine being able to normalize
having vulnerable conversations.
Being able to focus on support
and understanding.
I know this won’t lead to us
being able to churn out solutions
for all the world’s problems,
but it will help us feel
a lot less alone when thinking about them.
It all starts with that one question,
so I might have asked you how you are.
But my challenge is for you
to ask someone else.