The Value of Not Waking Up
if you were to ask me a few months back
to describe how my life was going in one
quote from musical theater
as an avid fan of the theater arts i
could probably spit out dozens of
inspirational quotes like
even the darkest night will end and the
sun will rise
les mis or when you’re broken on the
ground
you will be found dear evan hansen but
it would ultimately come down to one
quote that i feel is the true
representation
of my experiences as a high school
senior in december
it’s all college applications and doctor
who quotations
mean girls the musical now despite the
fact that i’ve never once watched doctor
who in my life
i could replace that name with any
fandom that has helped me through some
difficult periods
but as relatable as this quote from mean
girls is
it’s actually used to describe the most
unrelatable group in all of north shore
high
the tragically socially cursed
mathletes in fact if we finish the quote
that i cited earlier it reads
it’s all college applications and doctor
who quotations
they wear their awkwardness with
stubborn pride
why do we always assume that the geeks
of our society have no
social or real world skills now
i recognize that mean girls is the
epitome of stereotypes
and that every living soul at north
shore high is a perfectly molded
archetype
but this pattern has been going on since
the dawn of modern media for teens
whether that be in literature and movies
in musicals or
on disney channel i love
early 2000s and 2010’s disney channel
and the blissful nostalgia
that it brings me but as i was watching
the disney channel original movie
geek charming a few months back for the
first time in about
four years it dawned on me that the pop
culture
textbook definition of a nerd was once
again being force-fed to me
in the movie a sci-fi film superfan is
confined to the miserable corner of the
lunchroom with a group of social
outcasts
until he decides to make a movie about
the school’s popular girl
suddenly lo and behold as if she were
his angelic savior
he seems socially capable and several
times more confident
but real world nerds are the true
saviors
they are the creators of the things we
couldn’t even imagine living without
today
martin cooper who oversaw the production
of the first mobile phone in the 1970s
has credited the star trek communicator
with inspiring his life-altering
invention
simon lake was inspired by the work of
jouel veron in 20 000 leagues under the
sea
to create his own submarine the argonaut
where would these groundbreaking
inventors be without the works of
fiction that created a spark in them
where would they be without their sense
that the impossible
is possible where would they be without
their sense of
unreality without their sense their
imaginations are the source
of what eventually becomes reality
where would they be if they weren’t so
caught up
in fictional delusions of what doesn’t
yet exist
now i digress and i understand that not
all those who immerse themselves in
fiction
are going to become trailblazing
inventors
but there is another fallacy that needs
to be addressed besides that of the
incompetent nerd
and that is the assumption that those
who indulge in fiction
are escaping their real world problems
choosing to live in fantasy rather than
ground themselves in reality
but what if we could use fiction and
self-projection onto fictional
characters
to face our most difficult challenges
head-on
and with more strength and bravery than
we could possibly muster on our own
we can learn so much about ourselves
through the intimate observation we get
to do a fictional characters
i’ve been lucky enough to witness this
firsthand
i’ve been struggling with anxiety and
panic disorder stemming from
perfectionism and imposter syndrome
since the beginning of 10th grade
imposter syndrome involves the inability
of a person to recognize their own
accomplishments
but at the same time the belief that
their accomplishments are what determine
their worth
and that life will fall apart if they
don’t continue to perform
optimally all the time
this type of thinking if left untreated
can lead to depression and burnout
both of which i still struggle with on a
day-to-day basis
but i’m learning to cope and one
unexpected individual is helping me to
do just that
around august of this past year in the
midst of a global pandemic and a severe
mental trough
i discovered detroit become human a
story driven choose your own adventure
video game
that is set in a futuristic world where
androids accompany humans in their
everyday tasks
condemned to lives of slavery
mysteriously increasing number of
androids have been going deviant
or becoming sentient gaining the ability
to make their own choices and feel
emotions
it’s really quite fascinating now i
really don’t play video games at all
my friends can attest to the fact that i
can’t do minecraft for the life of me
but the intricate world the story
created and the various directions in
which the story could go
were so intriguing to me
i spent hours watching playthroughs as
though the gamer movie
now before i go on just a quick
disclaimer
i’m going to be talking about a game
character in generalities without
getting into too many specifics
but if you haven’t yet played the game
and you want to be super duped for
extra surprise i suggest you tune out
for a few minutes
now back to our regularly scheduled ted
talk as i was watching the game play out
i was particularly drawn to a handsome
fellow with a few strange habits
conor an android himself is an
investigator and assassin programmed to
hunt the deviants that claim to feel
emotions
as i watched conor go through his
missions i noticed several peculiarities
about him
he has nervous ticks that an android
really shouldn’t have such as playing
with the coin he always carries around
his coat sleeves or his tie
but it wasn’t until conor entered his
mind palace
the virtual world literally inside his
head
that i realized that connor’s story
mirrors that of a person with anxiety
and imposter syndrome
connor is under constant supervision by
a superior artificial intelligence named
amanda that resides within his headspace
she seems to provide some semblance of
comfort for conor
half-heartedly congratulating him when
he performs up to par and checking in
with him every so often about his
missions
but even her congratulatory words are
laced with the sinister poison of
you could have done better amanda feeds
off of and rewards self-deprecating
comments
she scorns conor whenever he expresses
curiosity
and questions why he has to do the
things she is telling him to do
she persistently reminds him that he is
nothing apart from a tool for his
superiors
and that there will be chaos for the
entire city if he doesn’t complete his
mission and obey his orders completely
without question on top of the fact
that he himself will be terminated
and i’m watching this thinking huh a
voice in your head that provides a false
sense of security and validation while
also constantly reminding you that
you’re nothing but the sum of your
accomplishments and that you will die if
you don’t do everything it
asks you to all the time without
question
that sounds awfully familiar
sounds an awful lot like the internal
monologue that runs through my head when
i’m panicking because
if i don’t get a perfect score on this
test my teacher will be disappointed in
me
my gpa will be cursed for the rest of
the year i won’t get into a good college
and there will
be chaos
now depending on how you choose to play
conor he can adopt a variety of
dispositions and make a multitude of
decisions
but it ultimately comes down to whether
or not he chooses to listen to the voice
in his head
if he listens to the voice obeying its
every order
being amanda’s perfect little slave he
ends up being replaced and sent to his
death
but if he chooses to be strong
defying the voice doing what is right
despite how difficult that is for him in
navigating through the literal blizzard
of doubts and feelings of inadequacy in
his own mind
he ends up not only with his life but
also with
a meaningful relationship
that’s something i picked up on too
having the capacity to choose this path
for conor essentially requires having a
positive relationship
with another individual who questions
his machine-ness
and who just happens to be a very in
connor’s own words
hard-boiled police lieutenant named hank
anderson
just like a person struggling with a
mental illness conor requires a support
system to remind him that he is more
than the voice in his head
that he is human and not just a machine
built to be perfect
all the time conor loses this
relationship if he prioritizes his
mission
that’s what really sold it for me in the
most spectacular
sci-fi way conor parallels a person
with anxiety and imposter syndrome he’s
similar to me in a lot of ways
and not just because we both look really
good in a tie although
that is clearly also true
ironically conor the android is far more
human than any of the walking talking
mannequins in mean girls or geek
charming
he has real flaws real doubts and he
encounters real mental struggles that
are solved by more
than just meeting the popular kid at
school
he is forced to look within himself to
find the answers to his questions
when all amanda will tell him is do what
i’m telling you to do
he is forced to distinguish his voice
from that of amanda
and recognize that one of them is
speaking his own truth
and the other is feeding him lies and
insecurities about a completely
unattainable perfection
watching connor’s story has helped me to
put my everyday issues into perspective
and examine not only the short-term
consequences of
not being perfect that my panic-ridden
brain tends to focus on
but also the longer-term more grave
consequences
of constantly expecting to be perfect
conor is a self-projection he’s a cool
and attractive character and it’s good
fun for me to follow his storyline
it has also helped me to realize that
there are things we miss out on in life
like relationships with other people
when we pour
all our focus into trying to be perfect
throughout 10th and 11th grade i didn’t
try to stop my panic spirals because i
thought that worry
would push me toward action which would
push me towards success
that was never the case recently though
i’ve adopted a new outlook on panic
attacks and intrusive thoughts
and now i’ve been working on stopping
them using sensory exercises
because i understand now that
extreme perfection isn’t sustainable
so maybe it’s time we erase the
assumption that
immersing ourselves in fictional
universes and projecting ourselves onto
fictional characters
is a simple form of escapism
find a fictional being that reminds you
of yourself whether in positive or
negative ways
if you haven’t found them yet keep
looking
they’re out there i guarantee you that
there is something you can illuminate
about yourself
or about your relationships with others
or about your mental well-being
just through painless observation of
said character
and i guarantee you that there is
something you can improve about your
life
even disregarding the self-reformational
benefits
of engaging with fictional characters
and universes
fiction breathes life into the mundane
aspects of everyday tasks
and brings us joy
listening to movie soundtracks makes
doing your chemistry homework
feel like saving the world or at least
building the foundations of a world
savior plan
it makes doing your laundry feel as
though you’re doing chores for the king
of agrabah
it makes walking through a city feel
powerful
like you are not only fighting to
survive a dystopian world
but thriving why not feel like this
why suffer through your everyday tasks
with dread rather than
being both effective and content in
favor of not feeling silly
who’s judging you when you’re alone
inside your own headspace
that elated feeling that we get walking
out of a movie theater
that feeling like we can do anything
like we
are the main character and we are
important
can be applied to any and all aspects of
our lives
now i’m not saying that we should be
selfish and perceive ourselves as the
center of the universe
because that’s simply not true what i’m
saying is that each of us matters
and that each of us has the opportunity
to make a difference in the world in one
way or another
imagine what we could do if we did feel
as vital as a movie character
as though what we did always affected
others because it does
we can lead with kindness and bravery
we can make sacrifices for others we can
inspire others
we are not so different from our
favorite fictional characters after all
it’s time to stop the stigma against
loving fiction as an adult
and stop the assumption that as soon as
we hit high school
our fantastical dreams are supposed to
start fading away
engaging with fiction could be the key
to a life filled with innovation
satisfaction vigor for everyday
occurrences a healthy cycle of
self-improvement
and good mental health
you can have your happy ending without
completely waking up
from your wildest dreams
so maybe it’s time that we hold on to
our dreams
in hits news for just
a little while longer if only to remind
ourselves
that we are the magical powerful beings
of our own stories thank you for your
time