A Box of Letters Left Behind Impacts Many Women..Why
[Music]
[Applause]
august 5
2002 it’s about 9 30 p.m and you’re at
one of your fantasy football drafts with
your friends
well i always told myself if i had a
reoccurrence
i would start writing right away i had
to wait for my second reoccurrence to do
so
i guess for the first one i really
thought i might make it forever
with this one i don’t there are so many
things i want
and need to tell you this is part of a
letter
it’s also a gift left behind by my late
wife
to be read later after she died in 2007.
karen was diagnosed with breast cancer
at the ripe old age of 30
when our kids were almost one and three
she died at age 40 but she packed a lot
of life
and giving in that last decade in fact
it’s a give first
attitude that inspired the karen
wellington foundation for living with
breast cancer
we never set out to form a foundation
she came home to chemo
one day and said you know wouldn’t it be
cool
if once we beat cancer we could go on
vacation each year
and send someone the chemo cheers next
to me well we never were able to do that
while she’s alive
but we’re doing it now the day she died
the folks at hospital
asked us where flowers should go flowers
we thought
we can do better than that so we put
together a fund
and committed to sending one woman
living with breast cancer
on vacation and we did that
and we’ve continued to do that 13 years
later
thanks to the hand of god and hard work
of
many others particularly women this year
we will
do our one thousandth gift of fun one
thousand vacations spa
days bruce springsteen concerts in
chicago
fun for some women who don’t have a lot
of fun on the calendar
30 of our vacations are last vacations
like pam’s pam had given up
panic stop treatment but thanks to the
generosity of one of our vacation
home donors pam reluctantly agreed to
take a last vacation
to scottsdale arizona the way karen’s
foundation works is we ask people who
have a vacation home
or time share to give us a week a year
of their vacation home
and we connect the two as an example
we’ll call them vic and rita because
that’s their name
give us their vacation home four or five
weeks a year
and vic puts it best vic said at his
son’s wedding
when he gave the toast he said i used to
think happiness was having a vacation
home
that i can use whenever i wanted but i
was wrong
then i thought happiness was having a
vacation home that my family could use
whenever i wanted but i was wrong then
too
then i met this crazy foundation and i
now get my vacation home to women and
families
living with breast cancer many of whom i
don’t even know
now i have found true happiness that
friends is give first
when pam and her husband arrived in
arizona they bumped into a police
officer
he learned their story and he traveled
with them
to the resort when he was done
he turned around and said you know i’m
not working next week
i’m going to be your personal driver we
didn’t plan it
we just gave first we dropped that first
pebble in the water
and watched the goodness ripple from
there
an amazing thing happened when pam
returned from vacation
she started treatment again and although
we lost pam that next year she died in a
very
different place than when she was before
that vacation
thanks in part to the kindness of a
police officer
who recognized the value of give first
get first is a simple mantra it also
works
it first cuts through all the negativity
and all the crap
it’s also the great paradox of life the
more we give
the richer our lives it’s not the more
we give the more we get
that misses the point entirely that
misses
the magic it’s why when our vacation
recipients
return they are never more alive
than when they take off the victim’s hat
and put on the giver’s hat
to nominate someone in the chemotherapy
chairs next
to them karen’s foundation is more of an
attitude than a foundation it’s a grand
experiment
for example our goal every year is to
grow revenue
by 15 percent and grow
giving by twenty percent don’t add up
the math does not work unless you
believe
in the power of give first
get first is also a concept that is
really best
focused on big picture items
it’s not a photo op it’s not a box to be
checked
but in many respects it all started with
a simple
box three months after karen died
our 10 year old daughter angeline
emerged from the scary part of the
basement
a place she didn’t like to go and to
this day we still do not
know what she was doing down there
particularly at night
with a box of 40 letters
from her mother each of them sealed
with specific instructions on when to be
opened for robbie on your 13th birthday
for angeline on your 40th birthday
each of the letters contain the perfect
words for her kids to read
decades later my kids have 12 letters
left
with the last one to be opened in the
year 2047.
i opened my last letter a couple years
ago on my 50th birthday
it was more of a thank you letter which
was good because i sometimes struggled
with whether i had done enough
for karen while she was alive this
letter like the previous ones answered
yes you did
and thank you the letters are difficult
to read
but they’re also inspiring
fortunately the letter also
said i want you to be happy and i’m
pleased to report that last week i got
engaged
to a loving kind very talented
giving of course woman who my next ted
talk is going to be about
because we’re going to have some fun and
we’re going to do some great things
together
let me leave you with an example of give
first i could give you hundreds but
let’s focus
on the little girl who found the box
when she was in her last year of high
school it came time
for senior night for her field hockey
team senior night
of course is a night about the seniors
except these seniors had something else
in mind
you see angeline had nominated the
school custodian
for a vacation from her mother’s
foundation
because his wife was living with breast
cancer
we fast-tracked that nomination through
and got the principal in on the act the
principal called and said to the
custodian hey
i don’t know what’s going on tonight all
the kids seem to be coming out
for this field hockey game would you and
your wife mind
coming and helping us clean up
well as it turns out senior night
was not about the seniors at all no
senior night was a celebration of a
school custodian
and his wife and a surprise vacation
and a whole lot of love and affection
that night these young women learned
firsthand the power of give first
i don’t think i’ve ever seen a happier
senior night
if i could turn the tables and write one
last letter
to karen here’s what i’d say
losing you 13 years ago was hard
i still feel sad when i think about all
you’ve missed
but the gifts you’ve left behind your
letters
your foundation that has given a little
joy and hope
to almost a thousand women and their
families so far
your spirit are all a reminder of the
power
and the beauty and the magic of give
first
it’s now my turn to say thank you
you