The Girl Behind the Glasses
i got my first pair of glasses at the
age of two
they’re the first thing i put on in the
morning and the last thing i take off at
night
and growing up i hated my glasses
but as time went on i really learned to
love them
and you know they very much became and
for me and a huge part of my identity
having said that in school and childhood
i
hated them wearing glasses and being
perceived at geeks seemed synonymous
i remember one uh incident in school
when a girl in the classroom
shouted at me across the class planet
you are the biggest geek
i was humiliated but that
was a real turning point in my life i
remember it was the first time i was
thankful for my glasses i felt safe
behind them
and i did not want this girl to see me
cry
ironically that moment of prepubescent
classroom humiliation really allowed me
to see myself clearly for the first time
i could see with crystal clear 20 20
vision
my full potential and what i could
achieve
and from that point on i really had the
determination to do that
in the words of president theodore
roosevelt believe you can and you’re
halfway there and from that point in my
life
i truly believed that if i worked hard
enough there wasn’t
anything that i couldn’t achieve
by the age of 22 i had achieved
everything on my vision board to date
i had one year left of medical school
and the cherry on top
i had met the man of my dreams
everything was right on track
six years later we got married and we
initially
set our sights on starting a family that
was our goal
that was our dream and that was our
vision
one month after our wedding we found out
we were pregnant and we were overjoyed
we immediately started to imagine and
envisage our lives as parents
i can’t begin to describe the
devastation when i started to bleed
when we were told the baby was gone
even now five years on i can’t find the
words
to explain the heart act that i felt i
took a few days off to physically
recover
and then i decided it was time to try
and refocus
i really really wanted a baby our vision
hadn’t changed that was still our dream
that was still our focus this had been a
really good life experience it was going
to make me a better doctor
because i now knew what not to say to
those who were suffering heartache and
grief
that is simple i’m here for you i’m
sorry
what do you need or sometimes silence is
the answer
we were overjoyed when we were pregnant
again almost
immediately our rainbow baby
further devastation when i started to
bleed again i couldn’t
believe it but this time felt different
i had a crippling
raw heart removing
breathtaking pain on my side this wasn’t
a miscarriage
this was an ectopic pregnancy it was in
my fallopian tube and it had ruptured
i was terrified i knew this was serious
ectopic pregnancies are the leading
cause of maternal deaths
in the first trimester of pregnancy i
needed emergency surgery and i lost my
fallopian tube
the last thing i did before being
wheeled into the theater was hand my
glasses to my husband
take care of those i said i’m going to
need those when i wake up
and as the operating doors closed i
started to sob uncontrollably
my heart was broken at the thought that
my beloved glasses
could possibly forever be a symbol of
loss and grief and the last thing that i
ever gave my husband
spoiler alert i didn’t die but
the months to come were overwhelmingly
difficult
it was so hard i felt such guilt
i felt obsolete i felt overwhelmed
i just couldn’t believe that this was
something that had happened to us
i had tunnel vision blinkers on eye on
the prize
our vision was still to have a child i
felt desperate
each month became an endless cycle of
trying to conceive ovulation am i
pregnant am i not
and then further devastation at the
arrival of my period
months of heartache
trying to conceive was honestly one of
the most difficult stressful
awful times in our lives
i really really felt hopeless and it was
14 months
almost to the day since i had my
emergency surgery when i was back in
hospital
again but this time it was giving birth
to our son
all our dreams come true we were
overjoyed
having said that being a first-time mum
is overwhelming
nothing can prepare you for the feeling
that you have when you bring your baby
home for the first time
and i was so happy to be off work and
watching our son grow
and develop and develop this wee
personality but any time i felt stressed
frustrated exhausted i felt this
overwhelming guilt what was
wrong with me this is everything we had
ever
wanted all our dreams come true snap out
of a planet
what is wrong with you can’t you see how
lucky you are
we started to try for another baby
almost immediately after our son which
was born which which added to the
already um
i guess emotionally charged transition
into parenthood
it took us a good year before we became
pregnant with our daughter
it was amazing when she was born we were
a family of four a railway family unit
and our hearts were so
full i was delighted to be off work
again
and watching the wee relationship of the
two children grow
and their weight bone form and their
weight friendship blossom it was amazing
but by god i was wiped out
and hand to god there was one day i
almost
lost my mind when my husband was delayed
coming home from work
he was home eight minutes later than he
said he was going to be
longest eight minutes of my life
i i found myself starting to count down
the minutes until nap time
i felt this constant anxiety and and
worry
i didn’t feel comfortable confident
going out of the house on my own just me
and the children
i started to wonder who was i i used to
be this confident
self-assured driven vision board
creating person
who had i become it was really difficult
and don’t get me wrong there was good
days but the good days start
started to dwindle and before i knew it
i was back to work
i wasn’t back to work long when we found
out we were pregnant again
our fifth pregnancy in as many years we
were overjoyed at the thought
of adding another wee baby to the brood
our hearts were so
full but one night i wakened with an
awful
cramping in my stomach and when i went
to the bathroom and saw the blood i
couldn’t believe it another miscarriage
are you kidding me i was so
angry hi has this happened again i
thought our bad luck was done
my heart was broken
as the wigs and the days went on
i started to feed the light that once
danced in the eyes behind my glasses
seemed to go out completely my heart was
broken
i felt useless i felt worthless i had no
energy
i was getting this daily crumbling chest
pain i just didn’t ever think
i was going to feel happy again i didn’t
even want to be left in the house on my
own with the two children i was
convinced
i was going to say something that would
emotionally scar them for life
i really didn’t know where to turn to it
seemed dark and that insight that i once
had
completely disappeared it took months
of counselling tears support for my gp
including an antidepressant
self-reflection self-care and
challenging my thoughts of negativity
guilt and failure
every single day but slowly the fog
started to lift
i started to enjoy life a bit more that
insight
that was once gone returned and slowly
but surely it turned into vision
i started to feel joy and happiness
that i once thought would never return
it was five months later and just in
january of this year that i returned to
work
and i felt amazing i feel amazing
i have never felt more confident
more happy and more full of life and
insight and vision i’ve started to
create
vision boards again it is fantastic
but this week marks
a year since our fifth pregnancy ended
in heartache
and i still have my bad days i still
struggle with imposter syndrome
perfectionism issues i still have this
constant battle with my negative mind
and my guilt
and and this this challenging thought
process
that has taken me 33 years to develop
that i’m going to have to
to continue to break down but hear me
now i am not
going to ever let my confidence waver i
have taken too long
to put my heart mind soul and body back
together again
and i’ve committed lifelong to myself
that i will build myself
up each and every day
maya angelou famously said people will
forget what you say it
people will forget what you did but
people will never forget how you made
them feel
and i really keep that quote in the
forefront of my mind each and every day
i really do believe that by
trying my best every day to spread some
love and positivity
is the way forward it’s the way to live
whether that’s in my job as a doctor
in my personal life with family and
friends or in the everyday randomness of
encounters with strangers in the sharing
of a smile
or in in you know a simple act of
kindness that is how i keep my heart
full
my spirits high and my confidence where
it should be we truly
rise by lifting others but i would not
be stamping here
if it weren’t for my amazing inner
circle of support
who have you chosen to be in your inner
circle do they raise you up
do they empower you do they celebrate
all your wins
do they make you feel strong do they
make you feel like you can achieve and
overcome
anything are they an anchor or they’re
weak
i was convinced for a long time my
husband wore rose-tinted glasses
permanently
i just felt like such a burden to him
for so long
but he loves me flaws and all and i have
learned much like i learned to love my
glasses
but i can also love my imperfections
that is something that i have learned as
a result of the unconditional love
from my husband and my inner circle my
husband really is my my
rock my everything my soul mate my
constant
to anyone out there struggling there is
always
hope there is always light just
put one foot in front of the other take
it one
hour one minute one second at a time
celebrate all your wins even if your win
for that day
is mustering up the energy to get out of
bed and brush your teeth
that is still a win i have really come
to accept
that adversity in life is inevitable but
it’s how we overcome that adversity that
truly
defines us that is resilience i
am resilient my scars both emotional
and physical are my warping and much
like my glasses
i wear them with pride
thank you
you