The Invisibility Trifecta Why Midlife Women of Color Matter
[Music]
so
there’s this bias-based societal
phenomenon occurring
right under our noses and although many
people engage in it
it has become so systemic
and intertwined in our social fabric
that some people may not even realize
they’re doing it
this phenomenon relates to something
that i like to call
the invisibility trifecta
so
what exactly is that
well it’s when three things come
together to create a vortex
into which a certain segment of the
population
is involuntarily
sucked
that’s a mouthful i know so let me give
you the three things that make up the
invisibility trifecta
midlife
women
and color
so let me rewind just a bit to give you
some background into why the
invisibility trifecta
as i deem it came into being and why at
its core
is something that should be on your
radar
the first time i noticed this phenomenon
about four years ago
i was walking through an h m clothing
store
a few yards in i noticed a young man of
about 21 or 22
and he was sort of hop skip jumping in
my direction
you know how people look when they’re
super excited about something and
they’re trying to play it cool
but what they really want to do is break
out in a full-on usain bolt run
that was this guy
so as he’s getting closer to me i hear
him say
good afternoon can i help you with
something and he’s really excited
so naturally i assumed he was talking to
me
i’ll bet you did too
and like me you’d be wrong
you see
coming into the store behind me
were two
bubbly attractive
perky breasted women
to young women
even stevie wonder can see where i’m
going with this
so i thought let me give him the benefit
of the doubt
maybe he just didn’t know me right
wrong
i can still smell the axe body spray
that he left in his wake
so after that day i began to notice this
sort of thing happening more often
this
ignoring and skipping right over me
like i was invisible
the truth is
society is youth obsessed but it’s not
just society
tv movies the media they all perpetuate
this myth
that women are only vital only valuable
only worthy of notice
when they’re young
i have a problem with that
here’s the thing i get it
i’m not a young woman anymore i’m okay
with that i really am in fact
this past july i celebrated my 57th
birthday and you know what
i own my age
i’m happy with valerie it took a lot to
go from that bony
knock kneed insecure little girl
to the woman that you see standing
before you today
when i came screeching into this world
all those years ago
i brought with me two things that would
ultimately stay with me for the rest of
my life
my skin color and my gender
on the surface we know what that means
i’m a black female
but what if we go a little deeper below
the outer shell
what then does that mean
it means that from the moment i was born
my future was laid out before me
i was a part of two historically and
socially stigmatized groups and i had to
somehow overcome the disadvantages of
the double jeopardy hypothesis
the crux of that is that i began a life
filled with the promise
of challenges
now that i’m a little older life has
thrown a third challenge my way
midlife
i belong to a club whose membership only
requires three things of me
and that membership
that’s the essence the very heartbeat of
the invisibility trifecta being a
midlife woman of color and i used the
term term women of color as an inclusive
grouping not just for blacks but for
asians latinos native americans all
across the color spectrum
right now
in this day and age now more than ever
as women of color
we matter
so
why should you care about the
invisibility trifecta
why drag and pull you into the fray if
you’re not a midlife woman of color
i’ll bet you were just asking yourself
that so i’ll tell you why
because you’re skipping over women who
bring value and knowledge to the table
because we are not merely on the bi on
the sidelines we are active participants
in the game of life
but just like that insecure little kid
who was always the last one picked for
the kickball team at recess
we are the forgotten team that society
always overlooks
could it be that midlife women of color
are crippled by the social narrative
that says we are no longer vital
no longer relevant
or we no longer matter
do we lose our voice because we’re made
to think that we no longer have anything
to say
or do we lose it
because no one is listening
i have so many questions
and i’m not going to lie by the time i
reached midlife
i was a little bit intimidated there
were so many cliches floating around out
there and i fell for so many of them
hook line and sinker yet there i was
knee-deep in the things that frightened
me the most
for years i silently poked fun at older
women with their golden girls fashion
sense their age-appropriate hairdos and
their jewel-encrusted reading glasses
dangling from their accordion necks
i ignorantly thought i am not going to
be like that when i get old
but
here’s the thing about old
old is a relative term
to a four-year-old
a 12-year-old is old
to a 12-year-old a 25 year old is
near ancient
to a 25 year old a 45 year old has one
foot in the grave and the other one on a
banana peel
the fact is
many midlife women say they feel
invisible and they’re not imagining it
either
that feeling of invisibility goes far
beyond the lustful gaze of men even
though many women point to that single
factor as the driving force behind why
they say they’re not feeling seen
but get this
men are not the only culprits here
women are culpable in putting their
blinders on just as well
despite what you may think
not all women band together in those
warm and fuzzy kumbaya feel good
lifetime movie moments
it just doesn’t happen
women can be just as culpable
so let me ask you something
why is that the case
i’m not sure but
between you and me
let me tell you a little secret about
midlife
it’s not a one-size-fits-all stage of
life
for many of us
we’re not steeped in depression
our minds are intact
and even though the
prevailing thought is that you can’t
separate midlife from crisis
a great deal of us aren’t in crisis
we’re just dealing with the daily bumps
and grinds of life
just like every other jane doe
we’re not anomalies
we’re your mothers your sisters your
neighbors we’re all around you you just
have to take the time to recognize us
when you skip over us in line at
starbucks
or when you stop seeing us for the flesh
and blood beings that we are
you’re breathing life into the
invisibility trifecta
i want you to do me a favor
mentally
put yourself in the shoes of a midlife
woman of color and try to envision some
of what we endure
the racial and the gender bias
the fact that we have to work
twice as hard as our white counterparts
if a white woman says she feels
invisible
imagine how much further a woman of
color
fades
into the background
now some might say
being invisible is a choice and there is
some truth to that
for some women
that feeling of invisibility goes far
beyond what we might consider
they can put on their cloak of
invisibility fly under the radar and
silently move through life in observance
mode
and that’s what they want to do that’s
their prerogative
and then there are those women present
company included
who are invisible not by choice but by
circumstance
and through no fault of our own
and
we’re a little ticked off about it and
you know what
we have every right to be we didn’t sign
up for this
this is our reality
midlife women
are ignored
we’re devalued we’re treated differently
but midlife women of color
even more so
perhaps this is all a part of that
unwritten
social
contract if it is
i think it’s time we renegotiate that
contract
we didn’t come this far in life just to
be rendered invisible by those who
refuse to see us
we don’t want
society’s
perception to become our reality
being invisible should be an option and
not a foregone conclusion
and there you have it
the invisibility trifecta
i’ve told you the whos the what’s in the
house
i’ve given you a peek into what we as
midlife women of color endure
the invisibility trifecta is
indisputable it isn’t fake news
it is something that is very real and
its consequences can beat down a
demographic who struggles to be seen and
heard
on behalf of all of us i ask you
see us
the rest is up to you
as for that young man in that h m store
that day who nearly broke land speed
records to get to those two young women
after i pulled myself together and
turned to his retreating back in that
haze of axe spray
i just had one question for him
what about me
to the women for whom this message
resonates
know this
you are not
alone
i see you
i hear you i feel you
and i
stand with you
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
you