The Trinity of Blame Women Sex and Shame
[Applause]
what will the writing of history look
like
when the definition is shared equally by
men
and women will we devalue the past
overthrow the category supplant order
with chaos
no we will step out under the free sky
we will observe how it changes how the
stars
rise and the moon circles and we will
describe the earth
and its workings in male and female
voices
we now know that man is not the measure
of that which is human
but men and women are
this insight will transform
consciousness as decisively as
copernicus’s discovery that the earth is
not
the center of the universe so says gerda
lerner and
so say i change
is coming and it’s terrifying
to give up the performance we hold so
dearly
as traditional and righteous
the fault of tradition as a whole is not
the remembering
but whose memories are accepted as
reality
it is the phenomenon of women never
being able
to tell the perception of women never
being able to tell
a full truth beginning with our origin
tales
shame and delusion have been the
condition of woman since the beginning
of
time in greek mythology we see this with
the tale of cassandra
a god seeking her favor gives her the
gift of
prophecy when she denies his sexual
advances
instead of taking the gift back he
curses her
so that when she prophesies no one will
listen
so that when she tells what is to come
as she knows it to be it will fall on
deaf ears
nothing she says will be counted as
truth as everything she knows
predicts and shares unfolds
and this is just mythology but more
recently it took over a hundred women’s
testimonies for dr
nassar to be held accountable for his
molestation of young girls
even though a handful of women had
spoken up well before the trial
since the beginning of time shame has
been the condition
of woman cassandra speaks but no one
listens
now it is our time it is our time to
take responsibility
as a culture and as individuals for our
failings
for how we’ve truly failed ourselves
and each other by neglecting to realize
we’re failing
together gloria anzaldua says the
ability to respond
is what is meant by responsibility yet
our cultures take away our ability to
act shackle us in the name of protection
we are shackled to the train of thought
and systems of oppression we have
assigned to
women and sexuality
we can show you your
soul in the reflection of our eyes
if you can believe the voices of
millions if you can believe
your women of my life i’ve paid
attention
and watched these boundaries men and
women enforced around girls these
insignias of shame women keep breaking
through boundaries only to see recycled
limitations being put into
place and held back together with shame
we won’t let our blood and tears
be the glue anymore it’s time to strip
off our shame
as a student in my twenties i don’t know
how you all have been funding your
education but
i’ve heard of only fans and for those of
you who haven’t
only fans is a brasserie
nude content an online platform of
virtual sex work for amateurs and
professionals alike
go go dancing stripping for some
creators porn
only fans is only the tip of the iceberg
the reality is that we as women
young and old are exploiting and
commodifying our sexuality
and bodies using sex work to fund an
overpriced and undervalued education is
a much more mainstream phenomenon
than media might lead us to believe i
was valedictorian of my high school
i worked three jobs to save for college
when i got the chance
i still couldn’t afford to go i turned
to sex work and more specifically
stripping
and i’ve taken classes here with women i
know only as
diamond or sapphire
when i started stripping the women
i bonded with you know who you are and
i’m talking to you now
you were some of the most authentic
friendships i made in my life the
strongest
women i had ever known and i won’t let
anyone
make less of us you see as a woman
sex and shame have been interchangeable
in my life
it wasn’t until recently that i’ve come
to the understanding that the best way
to strip
off my shame and your shame and
our shame is to remove its pretense from
my life
to better express our united values
is to regard the culture of shame
as a train of thought whose goals they
need to be better articulated
i want to ask why
a question i’ve asked since i could
string sentences together as a toddler
this incessant
asking of mine that’s driven my father
to the brink of insanity
why why why
why is sex work
as an industry thriving if culture
tells us it’s simply a bottomless well
of mutual pain
culture is diseased
cultures toxicity towards women
and sex can be undone only by connecting
and sharing stories without wearing
those experiences
as a badge of failure we can
hyper-sexualize women or we can put them
as
figureheads but can we be honest
can we show compassion for one another
lay ourselves down so that we may spare
suffering for our daughters for our
children
for those that will come after us for
those that stand beside us
progress as i see it is to understand
that
forward together requires a connection
of our individual story to our mother
story and your neighbor’s story and my
story
and to all the women and
people who have been denied this
compassion who have felt this
shame a collective warning
of how in the cultural perception of my
failings
i see shames failings as well and how i
want to grow
together
in my time as a dancer i was quickly
made aware
that stripping is an act of taking off
my clothes
that part was obvious what surprised me
is that my eyes
strip off the mask of the stranger
let me explain this to you human beings
desperately want to be seen
why did men come there men came
to experience pleasure men came to us
and wanted to talk about their life
their wife
their job their hockey league how
they’ve let down
their children you have a higher chance
of a better dance with your money
when my body was on constant display i
learned something about vulnerability
and physical beauty
i think all of us knew something that to
be
beautiful is powerful but to know the
language of desire
can make up for more than a few words
couple this with a knowledge
that the condition of masculinity is
agonizing loneliness
not lust and you begin to unravel
an age-old dichotomy of shame
and blame why is it
that sex and the power of women’s bodies
require
such policing by men women
and society why does my body make me a
liar
and inferior my friends
are college students high school
students some are business owners and
nurses
leaders in their communities an
astounding
percentage of these women have been
drugged
or raped or molested or assaulted
mentally and emotionally and physically
and instead of a fury of justice our
stories i have
watched be overly interrogated
dissected called hysterical delusional
and attention seeking lies
these women we are of sound
moral character so long as we do not
question the hierarchy of power
or call for intimate justice
this sounds a lot like the tale of
cassandra
why is my reality called a lie and
illusion of emotion
pain is not gendered manipulation
is not gendered but this mistrust of
reality
most certainly is so
now i ask another difficult question
why is it that the worst thing the girl
from her hometown can be
is a stripper because
you’re acknowledging her sexuality her
ability to commodify and manipulate her
sexuality
and i understand the threat of knowing
the woman who strips because
your partner might feel entitled to eye
her tits like he does every other woman
or because maybe sex is sacred to you
rightfully so and you could never
imagine
exploiting your sexuality and your body
maybe you could never imagine being seen
in that way
and still feeling respectable
i understand and i honor your
fears but if your partner is constantly
ogling women
have a vulnerable conversation about
sexuality and desires if you’re
desperately ashamed of your sexuality
you need
to talk about that if sex is sacred
i honor that mine is as well if you’re
unsatisfied and it manifests into
constant
hate and judgment maybe give each other
an
orgasm and now
sex is not the answer to everything
but let’s quit encouraging hysterics
because we’re
ashamed to admit who we are and what we
need
we are all hiding our whole experience
of life
how much sharing is too much
mothers deny the abortions they’ve had
leaders can’t tell of the abuse they’ve
stayed in for years
daughters keep hidden the story of their
rape fathers
won’t articulate the psychological and
physical beating of their fathers it
feels
like war when our life experiences are
simultaneously held
prisoner guard and ultimately
executioner
in a social conditioning that places
blame
on the narrative of pain in the form of
humiliation
and shame it’s the lack of empathy
and compassion the anonymity of the
human being
i became a stripper because i couldn’t
afford college
i was chasing money to chase a dream
because that’s the nature
of the society we’ve accepted
i was a stripper because universally
accessible
education is not a reality
and it ought to be
our pain our suffering and even further
our resilience is our common ground
if art is resistance if literature is
resistance
so too can the authentic and explicit
offering and realizing of our
experiences be
men i won’t encourage the toxicity any
longer
but i want to heal the pain together we
can’t
hold your feelings anymore we see
your pain and we are consumed by it you
need
to take it back that’s what we need from
you
know that women are no strangers to
change
to pain to the force of new life
and death will help you push through it
will slow your breath and wipe your
sweat
women human beings that have felt the
fear of being
powerless know that humiliation
is a more intense feeling than either
happiness
or anger our desire to be a part of the
community that rejects us
is felt more deeply in our psyche
than our desire to avoid dying our will
to live
i understand your fear of speaking your
truth
but you are brave and you are not
alone when i was simultaneously
kaylee and bella i fell in love
with a group of women with dreams and
fetishes and fears that saw each other
and didn’t flinch
but instead embraced one another and
taught each other and brought big
spenders to the stage when a sister was
dancing
and warned one another it was a
family where easter dinner prayers were
said as toasts were made as body cheers
were sung
we absorbed one another and knew that to
give into shame
to shame one another is to cut ourselves
open and bleed
slowly it turns out it’s not just
men but the human condition is one of
agonizing loneliness of wanting to be
seen
as you are shame
is the drain of progress
love is sweet labor
i did it for my daughter and i’ll endure
it for you too
because change is coming
if you can believe you’re women
thank you