Transforming Relationships One Word at a Time
[Music]
you
you do this to me every single time even
when we talk about it you go to these
business dinners you take me and you
make me feel ridiculous i’m
left there i feel left out i feel less
than and you do this
every single time to me i’m totally
ignored
me you’re going to blame me for this
you who begs to come to these dinners
you’re going to blame me for this
this is going to be on me you who can’t
handle these business dinners
and you’re gonna go ahead and make this
one on me
i don’t think so this is about you
and they’re off to the races
how many of you have ever had an
exchange like that
sometime in your lifetime
every country is well known for a
particular dance
we have brazil that’s known for the
samba
we have cuba that’s known for the salsa
and japan
the kabuki and here in the united states
we are pretty well known for the texas
two-step
every relationship has a dance every
couple has a dance
every friend has one siblings have one
colleagues have one
we know when to push a button we know
when to pull back
we know when to give the silent
treatment and we know when to do that
softball that’s just going to blow
everything
up this dance is called the
communication
misstep dance how many of you would like
to learn
how not to misstep again
i have a system it’s called the one word
exchange system this is where we take
one word
exchange it for another and transform
relationships just one word at a time
i invite all of you to stop using the
word you
and exchange it for the word i when it’s
in the beginning of a sentence you
creates a sense of defensiveness in us
we actually know that two things happen
in the body we either a hip
or we take a slight step back with our
hands at our waist
both of these are defensive moves
because we feel like we need to defend
ourselves
even when it’s a compliment you look
great today
what did you hear i know when i hear
you look great today i automatically
think oh my gosh
what did i look like before do i never
look good
the one word exchange system taking you
for i
would go like this i love that blouse
thanks i was shopping the other day i
bought five of them
in different colors
it takes defense down and you get a
story
you get this beautiful story
let’s go back to my couple if they had
used it
it might have looked like this
i feel so left out when we go to those
business dinners
i know it’s my fault i know i’m the one
who has anxiety
except i felt so ignored i was really
pretty angry last night especially since
we talked about it
oh you’re right i got nervous too
they’re not my favorite things
but we did talk about it and i did do
that and i am so sorry
lousy reasoning but i gotta tell you i
will try to do better
now we have a conversation we have a
dialogue
we have two people that are actually
listening to one another
they have moved from what i call the
communication misstep
dance to what i call the communication
connection dance with the exchange of
one word
the next word also comes at the
beginning of a sentence
and it’s the y word why you ask
well the y word actually does the same
thing the u word does
it creates a sense of defensiveness
why are you going to mexico um
the flights were cheap i haven’t had a
vacation in a long time
why are you wearing that shirt
actually it was the only one in the
clean pile and i didn’t have to iron it
we get defensive
recently i was asked to come do a large
pitch for a corporation
they were trying to merge two divisions
together and they weren’t communicating
well
i was in the board room with about 20 to
25 different people around the table and
the ceo
walked in he pulled out his chair put it
in the middle of the aisle he crossed
his feet and crossed his arms
i was right in this place word to
talking about
the reasons not to use a why question
would this work on my wife
with a tweak or two to be honest it
works in the business arena
as well as in your personal life
it was about two minutes before i was
finished and he got a phone call and he
exited with a little wave up in the air
it was a week later when i got the phone
call
patty do you want the good news or the
bad news
the bad these two divisions
we’re going to let them go separately
globally
and we’re not going to need your
services
i must admit my heart sank not only did
i want the opportunity to help this
company i was looking forward to working
with them
and then he said but patty i think you
changed my life forever
wow that’s a big statement please tell
me
help me understand what transpired
he said patty my son and i beat heads
every single time we talk every single
time we talk
we are just going at each other and we
probably don’t last
five minutes in a conversation let alone
a room
when i left that day i went home to my
house and my son’s car was in the
driveway
i sat there for a minute and i thought
is patty really right is it really about
the y
word and does it create defensiveness
he said he went in sat down at the table
and sure enough here came the
conversation
he took a breath and he said
what leads you to decide on a
and not b what’s the information
that leads you to be in this arena but
not any of these other arenas
i could tell he was getting emotional
and when he came back he had a quiver in
his voice
and he said patty you don’t understand
my son and i talked for four hours that
afternoon
we haven’t had a conversation of four
hours
in the last four years you’d change the
trajectory of our relationship
forever so i got the job right
uh no we talked for a little bit we
wished each other well and we hung up
that’s a relationship that went from a
breakdown
to a breakthrough with the exchange of
one word
why for any of the other whodunits
how many of you are excited to go out
and try these not
only on your colleagues your loved ones
or your friends
and i invite you to do it but i have one
more
it’s about the should word the should
word is actually a word of shame
and if there was ever a time we are
on ourselves
it’s right now i should lose 10 pounds
i should exercise more i should get out
of bed i should get off the couch
and when we don’t accomplish those
things we feel like a failure
and failure creates a sense of shame
creates anxiety and depression
so i invite all of you to change the
should word
to i can i need or i want
i was teaching at a drug rehabilitation
center
which shame is a big part of addiction
and so we were going to talk about it
that day and on the big white board
behind me i had the word
i should dot dot dot
i asked this group of eight guys that
when they left that day to fill out the
form
come on back the next day and we’d talk
about it and they did
remember with when you’re working in a
group like this we get to know each
other pretty well
and i asked somebody to volunteer and
one of the gentlemen did
now this is a man who’s not only the ceo
but the owner of a billion dollar
corporation
so i wrote on the whiteboard the 15
things he gave me
but it was the third one that very much
intrigued me
i should go to college
wanting to make a point and trying to
think fast on my feet i wiped off that
white
board and i put another sentence that
has two parts
if i wanted to i could dot dot dot
and i asked him do you want to go to
college
no can you go to college
of which somebody was pretty smart and
said shoot patty the guy could build a
university or
buy a college and we all laughed
until i connected with my client
and he was practically in a fetal
position
in the chair with tears streaming down
his face
and i asked him what is happening
what is going on tell us what is
happening with you
and he said patty it was always my dad’s
dream
that i go to college at 16
17 and 18 that’s all he would tell me
and there it is shame
so you have been drinking and drugging
all these years to numb that feeling of
shame because you felt you needed to be
living somebody else’s dream and not
your own
again that was a break down moment
and we took it to a breakthrough moment
one word exchanged
so how do we move something off of the
should list
i want to own a five million dollar
house
can i own a five million dollar house no
do i want to own a five million dollar
house yes
if there is one no on either side of
that it moves off of the should list
and goes on to another list
should probably started when we were
children
you should make your bed you should eat
your broccoli you should get out of that
tree
you should study more you should go to
exercise
you should you should you should you
should you should
and by now you know starting a sentence
with the word you
creates defensiveness should
is a shame word and it comes with the
finger
no not that finger this finger
how many of you know that this is called
the shaming finger
you should
so when we hear you should as an adult
implicitly we feel the finger
in our chest or in our face and it
creates that sense of shame for us
invite each one of you to take this
simple one word exchange and practice it
on your loved ones on your colleagues on
your friends
the one word exchange can take
relationships from
a breakdown to a breakthrough it changes
relationships
it creates deeper meaning more
connection
more intimacy with those that you care
about
every human being wants to be seen heard
or validated
the one word exchange program will help
people
achieve that i invite each one of you
to exchange one word the word you
for i exchange the word y
for any of the other whodunits and
exchange the word should
for i can i want or i need
these will transform relationships
one word at a time who are you
excited to transform a relationship with
a daughter a grandson a wife a mother
even if they are the healthiest of
relationships
we will create deeper more meaningful
conversation
this system will transform lives one
word at a time
it’s simple it’s easy
just exchange one word
thank you