Changing Perspectives on Sex Gender Humanity and the World
when i was three years old
i spoke what to me was a very simple and
honest truth
that despite being housed in the body of
a female
i was really a boy now i made this
announcement in early 1960s rural
indiana to a large group of my
grandmother’s friends
in retrospect maybe that wasn’t the best
way to have gone about it
shortly thereafter my mother let me know
that if i didn’t stop saying this
some pretty unpleasant things were going
to happen to me
looking back on that experience i can
see a couple of things that i took away
and the first was a belief that there
was something intrinsically wrong with
me
because even at that young age i
understood that if it really wasn’t okay
to have these feelings then there was
something very not okay with me
and second was an understanding that
this was not an
okay thing to talk about even to myself
so i went into a very deep dark state of
denial
now fast forward to age 40. one evening
i was sitting on the edge of my bed
tying my shoes
when seemingly out of nowhere this voice
in my head said
i don’t feel like a woman and in that
instant
this fortress of denial that i had built
and work to maintain for over 35 years
came
crashing to the ground i was flooded
with memories memories from both
childhood and adulthood
of being teased and talked about
and shamed because even though i had
stopped saying the words
i’m really a boy people knew i was
different
and they’ve always treated me like i was
different
so in a moment’s time i went from
sitting on the edge of my bed
minding my own business tying my shoes
to
hear deal with this
it really is not possible for me to
adequately
articulate just how traumatic that was
at three years old i was told quite
explicitly
that the world did not have a space for
me
there was this unspoken commandment that
everyone but me seemed to be in
on that there are two and only two ways
to be human
male and female and with that
boys are supposed to feel and act like
boys
and girls are supposed to feel and act
like girls
so at the tender age of three i began
the very long
lonely and confusing journey of trying
to find
my way in a world that said that i was
not possible
chas bono is a transgender activist an
offspring of sunny and cher and he
explains it like this
there’s a gender in your body and
there’s a gender in your brain
for most these things are in alignment
for transgender people there’s a
mismatch
that’s all it is it’s not complicated
it’s not a neurosis
it’s just a mix-up
well you may be thinking perhaps
there’s something strange going on that
causes these people
to reject what they really are but
biologically
anatomically speaking men are men
and women are women well there’s another
phenomenon out there in the world known
as intersex and
intersex describes those persons born
with neither the standard male nor
standard female anatomy
these are people who are physically
anatomically
ambiguous they exist somewhere in
between
or perhaps beyond male and female
to give you a very brief overview
consider three areas of the body that
differentiate between male and female
gonads genitals and chromosomes let’s
start with gonads
don’t you just love conversations that
start like that
typically men have testicles and women
have ovaries
well there’s another gonad that occurs
that’s known as an ovotestis
and this is a gonad that contains both
ovarian
and testicular tissue some people have
an ovotestis and an ovary some have an
ovo testis and a testicle
some have two oval testes some people
have one ovary
and one testicle physical
anatomical ambiguity
now let’s talk about genitals and i know
you like conversations that start like
that
some people are born with ambiguous
genitalia
genitals that can’t easily or clearly be
classified as male or female
at one time the medical community viewed
the birth
of such a child to be a social emergency
just the presence of a newborn child
that could not
easily and clearly be classified as male
or female
was so challenging to our expectations
that birth was deemed a social emergency
well what about chromosomes that one’s
pretty easy right
men are xy and women are xx
well what about someone who’s xxy or xyy
or xxxy what about someone who’s xy
but all outward appearances are female
physical anatomical ambiguity
some folks with intersex conditions are
diagnosed very early in life
others don’t find out until years later
there is often a veil of secrecy and
shame that accompanies the experience
a lot of these people are put through
some pretty horrific surgeries and
medical procedures
without their consent often for the sole
purpose of trying to make their bodies
conform to the expected male or female
variety
it’s really pretty unbelievable what a
lot of these people
have had to endure
it’s just not as simple as we’ve been
led to believe
which brings me to perspective shift
number one
two are definitely not enough
we as a society have constrained sex and
gender to a strict dichotomy
and as a result a good number of people
have been left out
i used to think that i was really
different from everyone else
after all the transgender experience of
that part of humanity we call sex and
gender
is quite a bit different from what most
people go through
but as the years have passed i’ve been
able to step back and look at the big
picture
and i now understand that my experience
was not really that much different than
anyone else’s
who among us has not been told that we
are not what we’re supposed to be
that there is some abstract image of the
perfect human
to which we should aspire how many of
you have ever personally struggled with
what it means to be a real man
or an appropriate woman don miguel
ruiz has said that we humans are the
only creatures on the planet
who continually punish ourselves for
failing to be what we think we should be
and that no one abuses us more than we
abuse ourselves
if you can relate to that then you can
relate to my story
and that is key
we humans are a delicious mixture of
similarity
and difference we have so much in common
we all know how to love we all hope and
dream
we all know fear rejection and
disappointment
we all struggle with who we are and we
all
yearn for the freedom to simply be
ourselves
this brings me to perspective shift
number two
we are more alike than you may have
realized
even though we share so many common
experiences
and come from such a common base for
some reason we continually choose to
obsess upon
and harshly judge our differences
can you imagine a world where instead we
chose to embrace
both our commonalities and our
dissimilarities
what an amazingly wonderful world that
would be
but instead we hold fast to this
relentless pursuit
of conformity standardization and
uniformity
ever striving to live up to that
abstract notion of perfection
and always failing i believe
that if you and i will take personal
responsibility for changing the world
we can usher in a new era and create a
world that
celebrates the vast diversity of
humanity
to do that it is absolutely essential
that we start finding common ground
at first glance that may seem like an
impossibility
especially when you consider those that
lie opposite of you
on the political social or spiritual
spectrums
but if you will approach it with an open
mind and an open heart
common ground is always possible
let me give you an example i tend to
have some
shall we say interesting experiences in
public restrooms
because i have chosen for a number of
reasons not to physically transition
i use women’s facilities note that this
is in alignment
with laws and beliefs that people should
use the bathroom that corresponds to the
sex they were assigned at birth
even so i am regularly challenged by
those who feel i’m in the wrong place
this is a regular part of my experience
and is always on my mind every time i
enter a public restroom
once a man actually followed me into a
restroom
pounded on my stall door and yelled
you’re in the women’s room
he and i exchanged some rather heated
words through that stall door
and eventually he left
what is it that i’m supposed to do when
i go into a public restroom it’s not
because i’m trying to make
a political statement i don’t know the
answer to this problem we’re in a
paradigm shift here
but please try to understand
it’s not easy for us either
and yet even with such a contentious
issue there is common ground because
ultimately we all want the same thing
we all just want a safe space to go to
the bathroom
[Applause]
this brings me to perspective shift
number three
there is always common ground and it’s
worth the effort to find because
once we’re able to relate to those we
view as different
it becomes easier to stop pushing
against one another
and start finding solutions
well you may want to counter what about
people who don’t care about common
ground
people who aren’t interested in finding
solutions people who i believe are
trying to take this world in a very
dangerous direction
what about them well what about them
look all you can do is all you can do
and there are always going to be people
out there who see the world differently
than you do
no matter who you are there are going to
be people out there who don’t like you
some people may actually hate you
sometimes just for being who
and what you are the key is
you don’t have to hate them back meeting
hate with hate
never leads to peace and never really
solved anything
there are a lot of people out there who
believe that i am mentally ill
i’ve been told i’m possessed by demons
i won’t lie it’s painful when i think
about
how many people out there view me as
something deeply flawed
or even dangerous over something that i
cannot control
and for most of my life it made me angry
bitter and resentful
but eventually it all just wore me out
and i got
tired of seeing everyone as my enemy
so i made a decision that i was going to
learn how to accept people for where
they are
it’s a process and some days i’m better
at it than others
perspective shift number four comes from
victor frankl
he was an early psychiatrist and
survivor of the nazi concentration camps
and he said when we are no longer
able to change a situation we are
challenged to change ourselves
simply complaining about things that we
can’t control
really accomplishes nothing i can’t
control what other people think of me
but i can work on my response to them
so be just a little bit kinder just a
little bit
nicer as you make your way through your
day-to-day life
be willing to learn how to judge less
and empathize more
and don’t worry about getting it perfect
because you aren’t going to
forget perfection we are always going to
have work to do because we are never
going to come to a place where there is
no room for
improvement or growth it’s all
part of the human experience it’s all
part
of our humanity kindness
is contagious and your actions have an
effect on the world
so learn how to love yourself and be
willing to appreciate
everyone around you that’s how we change
the world
i no longer care what society says
because i know there is nothing wrong
with me
i also know there is nothing wrong with
you so let’s go make a difference
thank you