How to Parent your Inner Critic
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you
are not good enough you
are not worthy you do not belong
you don’t matter
and you are
nothing these were the themes
of my relentless judgments criticisms
and put-downs that i lived with for most
of my life
these were not the words spoken to me by
other people
these words were from my own mind
i was the sole owner participant
and creator in my own private
hell
my outer lived world by contrast
was one of privilege i had a trauma-free
childhood
people who loved and cared for me
good education friends
and i never went without the basics
my inner world was created in part
because i did not believe that i was
worthy of my outer privileged life
this belief came from the social
cultural world
in which i grew up
growing up in apartheid south africa i
was led to believe
that because of my skin color i was less
than
a person of white skin color
growing up in an exclusively indian
neighborhood
i was taught that being female
meant that i was less than male
and that my soul worth and purpose
lay in my ability to serve the men
around me
so while cherishing and enjoying my
ultra joyous world
i secretly punished myself in my own
private health
i never for a second thought that my
inner world
affected my outer world in any way
this illusion was shattered when i was
17 years old
at the age of 17 i happily did a favor
for one of my male cousins
a few days later he thanked me with a
box of chocolates
after thanking him i went to my room and
cried
cried because i was confused
cried because he touched my heart
cried because i did not think it was
possible
for a man to validate a woman for doing
her job
this was a turning point in my life
i didn’t want to live in this two vastly
different worlds
i knew that i needed to change my
abusive inner world
but had no idea how to
i knew that before i could accept
validation from the outside
i needed to stop abusing me on the
inside
i told people that i chose to study
psychology
because i was so damaged that i would
need lifelong therapy
and it would be cheaper if i just did it
myself
they obviously thought i was joking what
could someone like me need therapy for
i had it all trauma-free life
privileged upbringing people who loved
and cared about me
education freedom choices
but i knew i was serious
i felt broken but absolutely no
idea how to heal the massive divide
between my inner health and my outer
joyous world
psychology helped in that it gave me
tools and techniques that i could apply
to myself
some of which worked during which time
i felt comfortable in my body but
always for a short time
my first experience of mindfulness
gave me a sense of peace and joy
and connection unlike anything i had
ever felt in my life before
it felt real
natural and unforced
but again like with anything else it was
short-lived
because i could use mindfulness to focus
on my flaws my inadequacies
how i was still not good enough
maybe one day when i mastered this
mindfulness thing
then i’d be okay then i’d be worthy but
not today
in 2010 my mindfulness teacher saw how
hard i was on myself
and suggested that i practice only in
the loving-kindness practice
loving-kindness is mindfulness of the
heart
in traditional practice you start by
sending yourself
loving positive thoughts and then
sending these out
to others i was
very happy sending loving-kindness
thoughts to other people
but had considerable difficulty in
sending them to me
i thought that it was super indulgent
obsessive self-obsessive and completely
wrong
to sit for 30 minutes
sending myself loving-kindness thoughts
because i did not feel worthy of these
so why waste loving-kindness honor
nothing
like me
this was when my eyes opened
and i realized for the first time that
my inner private hell
was not private it affected
every cell of my being it affected how i
lived my world
it affected how i saw my worth
and how i allowed other people to treat
me what i expected from the world
it affected how i engaged in the world
i saw the world as unsafe and i could
not trust people
because i could not trust me
so with the loving-kindness practice
i decided to become curious about the
nature of my mind
my inner world
i clearly saw how i played both the
roles of the abuser
and the abused in my inner world
the abuser part of mum in a world
resembled a two-year-old
she was self-obsessed spoke
non-stop loved
repetition and said whatever she wanted
without thought or consequences
just like a two-year-old
surprisingly i found this part of myself
to be
rather weak and insubstantial
it lacked solidity
this is the mind element of my being
my abused part by contrast
felt strong real
and solid this is the part of me that i
refer to when i say
i for some reason
i had allowed my mind element to control
and dictate my life
completely ignoring the lived eye
part of me no more
seeing the mind as a two-year-old
i knew exactly what she needed the same
thing as any two-year-old
loving parent to guide nurture her so
that she can live with dignity
integrity and respect
i knew that the eye part of me was
strong enough
to do this job
during my exploration in my inner world
i noticed some strange behaviors
i was allowed to call myself
names to put myself down
but when other people said the same word
to me i took offense
when i said it to me i was being honest
and it was the truth
when they said it to me they were being
judgmental and critical
same words but this didn’t only
apply to words that i used it also
applied to the tone of voice
i was allowed to scold shout
demand order myself around
but when other people said the same
words or spoke to me in the same tone
i took offense i objected
in order to stop living in these two
different worlds
i needed to stop being a hypocrite
i needed to have one set of rules in my
inner and outer world
in this way my inner parent initiated
the one rule principle which simply
states
if i don’t like it from the outside
words or tone of voice
then i can’t use it on the inside simple
one rule
whenever my two-year-old my inner
two-year-old mind broke this wonderful
principle
my inner parents said firmly no
you cannot speak to me that way or
you cannot use that tone of voice on me
really firm and direct but with loving
compassion
the first time i did this i burst out
laughing
because it actually worked
nothing that i tried in my life until
that moment
could quieten or even tame my inner mind
parenting her seemed to be the magic
bullet
all of the sudden my inner mind
stopped talking to me as if i was
nothing
there was a sense of respect for myself
in this way i transformed
my inner world from a health
to a family consisting of a loving
mother and daughter
in this way i changed being a hypocrite
and having double standards
a different outer world to a different
inner world
in this way i brought peace
joy and happiness in my internal world
as well as my outer world
building on this early success
i took the parenting analogy outside of
the nature of my mind
and brought it into my life
still applying the one rule principle
if other people were allowed to take
time off
when they sick or rest
when they are tired or go to bed early
when they are tired
then so can i one rule
i eased up on myself
i gave myself permission to relax
to play to have fun
but also to feel my emotions to feel my
sadness
my grief my pain without judgment or
criticism
in this way i opened up to life as it is
allowing myself to live fully in both
worlds
i’ve transformed my inner health
into a joyous place i now feel
like i’m living my life with my best
friend
supporting guiding enjoying the journey
with me
laughing when we make mistakes holding
me tenderly
when i’m feeling sad or hurt
i now feel that my outer world is so
much more richer than it ever was
before
my connections with people are a lot
deeper i trust people
i connect on a human emotional deeper
level
i feel more deeply
i feel alive
my younger self wasn’t alive she was
existing this
current self feels alive vibrant
what would i say to that 17 year old who
cried
because her cousin validated her
i would tell her my darling
do not settle for anything less
than real validation
real acknowledgement and real love
because you are good enough
you are worthy
you belong
you matter
and you are a goddess
thank you
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you