Loneliness is silent but it is louder than any horn in this world
[Music]
[Music]
before i begin
i would like to ask you all a question
have you ever been lonely
i think all of us at some point in our
lives have found lonely
it could be your timing away at the bus
stop or it was your first day of college
it could be a rough winter or it could
be years of struggle
but to a certain degree i think all of
us know what loneliness feels like
helpless alone sometimes you could be
with a crowd of people and you’re still
alone
loneliness is silent but it is louder
than any horn in this world today i’m
here to tell you about my story with
loneliness
just a couple weeks ago it was my
10-year anniversary of coming here to
the u.s from china
and on that day i thought a lot about
what happened in those 10 years
i remember i landed in los angeles
california on a
beautiful evening i could see the sun
shining on me and my mother’s faces
and the light it was the light of hope
but that light was also the beginning of
my road with no return
my family and i came to this country
with one purpose and that is to provide
me with a better education
so in less than two months i was
enrolled into a local elementary school
my parents started a small business in a
place that’s about two hours away from
where we used to live and of course
without the l.a traffic
because both my parents had to work and
they wouldn’t be back until very late
and they usually have to go out very
early in the morning to pick other
employees
i was held responsible for myself i had
to walk myself to school and back
warm up food with a microwave that
didn’t always work
and most importantly i had to cope with
being alone
so as a nine-year-old i was thrust into
independence and
never looked back at first i thought
well it can’t be that bad i just go to
school make some friends learn with
everyone else
and come home get going with my day easy
just like every other day i had back in
china
well true but there was this
one small problem back then i didn’t
speak any english
all i could say was hi nice to meet you
my name is
feng iji and when they respond i
wouldn’t know
what they were saying and all i could do
was stare back at them and
give them an awkward smile
i remember the first day of school all
the kids were looking at me from all
directions
and i didn’t know how to react
i just introduced myself and i didn’t
talk at all during that class
because i didn’t know what to say or how
to say
the teacher knew a little chinese and
she helped me with my first class
and then came recess all the kids were
told to go outside and play
as someone who experienced the chinese
education system i thought to myself
god bless america they let the kids play
here
i was so excited i was ready to go and
make friends
i saw a group of my classmates over
there playing with a handball
and so i approached them and you know
make friends
but soon they realized that i didn’t
speak any english and
i didn’t understand a word that was
coming out of their mouth so they picked
the ball and went somewhere else and
played without me
okay cool didn’t work out just try it
again right
i saw another group of my classmates
over there running around
playing a game of tag that got me
excited because i love playing tag
i used to play tag all the time back in
china i could run really fast
juke people and bam they’re it so
obviously i had to approach these
american kids and
show them what’s up
at first i didn’t know what was going on
i just got with them and started running
i didn’t even know who was it
so soon they realized that i was trying
to join them and they approached me
and they found out the same thing i
didn’t speak english i didn’t understand
what they were talking about
so they pointed out a direction and
signaled me to
go over there and leave him alone
at that point i was pretty sad and i was
definitely frustrated
until this one group of kids approached
me and some of them even looked like me
they figured out that i didn’t speak
english but they figured out that i
spoke chinese
so they started saying things in chinese
that didn’t make any sense
words and phrases and they started
laughing
and then they started saying things in
english that i didn’t understand at the
time
until later when i learned english i
realized that they were just making fun
of me
i thought they were trying to make
friends and i was genuinely
trying my best to communicate with them
as well
but man kids can be really mean
sometimes
i went home that day feeling horrible no
one wanted to play with me
no one wanted to talk to me i could
barely keep up the class
and i didn’t make any friends mission
failed
i wanted to tell my parents everything
so
i can’t even pout or whine about it so i
could feel better
but when i walked myself home that day
all i could see was a
small empty apartment with two bowls of
cold food
waiting for me i stayed up that night
and waited for my parents to come home
so i could
tell them about my day but
when they finally got home at 12 at
night they were so tired
that all they could do was hug me and
sleep till the next day begin
at that moment i saw the stress and
burden on their shoulders
so i learned to be quiet
i didn’t want them to worry any more
than they should
from that day on i felt like my life was
plan on repeat
every day i get up with my parents
already gone to work i walk myself to
school
i deal with the same thing every day i
come home i warm up food i do some
homework i hang out with myself
and i go to bed if anything good
happened that day i will find a way to
tell my parents
a note or something if anything bad
happened
i just sleep with them till the next day
those kind of days went on for three
years and to date
it was the loneliest three years of my
life
now there really is no point for me to
tell you my story
if all i wanted to do is make you feel
bad i’m here today because i want to
share with you my ways of dealing with
my circumstances and my loneliness
during those three years i learned to
choose
and i chose to dig myself out of that
small apartment in los angeles
california
and wade through the loneliness that
would drown me every single day
i didn’t speak english so i chose to
work hard and push myself to learn
i remember i will watch the garfield
movies over and over again just so i can
get the pronunciations right
boy i love that cat i didn’t have warm
food when i get home
so i chose to learn how to cook at first
the food i made would be either too
salty or sometimes i would
mix up vinegar and soy sauce but
you know at least was warm and edible
kind of
i didn’t have any friends so i chose to
study and observe how
the kids in my class played with each
other i learned their language
i learned their culture and sooner than
expected
i was in a game of tag
i discovered the power of decisions
and i also realized that the
circumstances and the loneliness that i
was subjected to
were just things in life i have no
control over that
but what i do have control over is
myself and my decisions
yes i was alone
but my decisions made me feel less alone
and it enriched me and helped me grow
during that time
to be or not to be i chose to be
just about five months ago i was
permitted to stay on campus over the
winter
because the kova situation in la was
increasingly tense and my family was
impacted and stressed i decided to stay
on campus so my family
wouldn’t have to worry about feeding a
six to 240 pound man
as well as 20 meals throughout the day
initially i was glad that i get to stay
here at middlebury
it’s a gorgeous town and i made friends
with a small group of people
that i was on campus with we had a fun
enjoy
snowball fights dinners during
thanksgiving and christmas
and we also watched the super bowl
together it was nice
but nevertheless i felt alone
during the winter i went through some of
the most stressful moments in my life
my parents almost got divorced my
grandpa in china was hospitalized
and as cherry on top i went through a
breakup
those things hit every soft spot on my
heart and it was hard to open up to your
newly made friends about these personal
issues so i dealt with them myself
during that time i tried to stay in
touch with my family as frequently as
possible
solving conflicts left and right when i
made those calls i could feel my heart
being torn apart
i could feel exactly what they were
feeling if not more
and yet i had to tell them that i’m okay
so they have one less person to worry
about
it was rough and in the midst of that
i asked myself will things be different
if i were with my family right now would
i be able to alleviate the stress and
tension between my parents
because cover damaged our financial
income
would i be able to help my grandmother
feel better by holding her hands and
tell her that everything will be all
right
and what i feel less heartbroken because
i am with my family
those questions haunted me as my stress
and homesickness grew
until one day i received a video call
from my grandmother and she told me that
my grandpa
was home and safe
she said the texts and calls and the
smiles that i
gave her gave her hope
and made her feel better and also give
my grandpa hope
i saw her smile and
she said she was proud of me
i had not shed a single tear during that
winter until that moment
and with those tears of joy and
reassurance i remembered
the loneliness and stress caused by
covet are just things in life
just like the first three years of my
life here in the us they’re not within
my control
but what is within my control are my
decisions when i persistently called my
family to make sure that everything was
okay
as much as it hurts me do so when i
wrote a letter to myself and encourage
myself to stay strong
for me and for my family
i chose not to be swallowed by my
circumstances
and be eaten away by the stress and
anxiety
instead i chose to stay and hold myself
together
no matter how painful it was
i am sure all of us went through our own
paths and tracks
during life and in this pandemic
and perhaps these tracks are still going
perhaps
we were alone and perhaps we’re still
alone
but please don’t give up don’t stop
trying
don’t stop choosing to be better
because the sadness the pain and the
loneliness they’re only temporary
your decisions actions and determination
will carry you towards the light
if there’s one thing i want you to
remember from my tech talk today i hope
it’ll be this quote by stephen r covey
i am not a product of my circumstances
i am a product of my decisions
thank you very much