Awaken the Rebel Within Reject the Rules and Discover Your Truth
this is my daughter olivia
she was born five weeks early and
couldn’t breathe on her own
machines were keeping her alive with the
help of an entire
nicu team she was fighting for her life
she was so fragile that i had to wait
four days
to hold her when i finally held her in
my arms
with her tiny hand wrapped around my
finger
i looked into her eyes with tears
welling up in mine
and i promised her that i would do
anything
to protect her two years later
my son caleb was born nine weeks early
he was in critical condition i held on
to
every fiber of hope for the entire
ten weeks in the nicu
he was eight days old when he was
finally stable enough to be held
as i cradled his fragile little body
hooked to those same
tubes and wires i looked into his eyes
and i made the same promise that i had
made
to his sister two years earlier
i would do anything to protect him
as much as i had always wanted to be a
mom i truly
had no idea how fiercely i could love
to little humans my desire
to have children started when i was very
young
as i observed the world around me both
real and
on tv i quickly began to understand
the rules of becoming a mom the rules
seemed
fairly obvious and i think you’ll
recognize them
i present to you the patriarchy’s five
steps to motherhood
date a guy one with good dab potential
preferably tall dark and handsome get
engaged down on one knee
with a diamond ring that’s required rose
petals
optional but strongly recommended get
married
in a church wearing a white gown plot by
beautiful bridesmaids and handsome
groomsmen
buy a house in the suburbs and then
have a baby boom motherhood
those were the rules and i was a rule
follower
so i set out to find the future dad to
my future
children the first guy that i considered
for the role was my boyfriend marty
we always had so much fun together and
he was
super cute but that guy was
always getting into fist fights i mean
that’s like questionable on the dad
material aspect so
unfortunately i had to break it off and
i mean i suppose it was probably a good
thing because
we were only in the second grade
but in all seriousness i cannot recall a
time
during my dating life when i wasn’t
actively
assessing my partners for their
potential as the future dad
in my perfect little patriarchal life
story
during spring semester of my freshman
year of college i met a guy
he was hard-working and success driven
assertive
smart had a nice smile and a quick wit
we started dating he was my first
serious boyfriend in college
he seemed to have good dad potential and
i liked his family and his friends
and then we dated for three and a half
very difficult years
in fact during our first month of dating
i broke up with him he had gone into a
hot rage
about me leaving my books on his kitchen
table
so he hurled a heavy mug across the room
at me while yelling obscenities and
telling me what a piece of garbage i was
naturally i told him to never call me
again
grab my things and left and then
the cycle began he called
and he begged to see me he apologized
but he said that if i hadn’t left my
books on the table
you never would have been so upset and
that
is how every apology went from that day
forward
i’m sorry but if you hadn’t
i wouldn’t have being the high achiever
that i
am i spent the next several years
attempting to perfect
every little thing he ever said that
upset him
if you hadn’t left your clothes on the
bed i wouldn’t have yelled
got it always put the clothes away if
you hadn’t hit the snooze button
i wouldn’t have stood over you screaming
like a drill sergeant that you’re a lazy
piece of trash
while my spit hit your sleeping face got
it
no snooze button i didn’t internalize
his insults right away
but here’s the thing about bullies they
will eventually
get into your psyche and dislodge every
single positive thought you have ever
had
about yourself he slowly dismantled my
belief in myself
and my trust in the people who were
telling me that i was awesome
by the time he was graduating from
college and i had another year to go
he asked me to marry him i wish i could
tell you that i said no
but i didn’t in fact i enthusiastically
said yes and started
planning my dream wedding and our
wedding was a good time
and right after our wedding we bought a
house and then i was like it’s time to
have children right but when it came to
children
he used my desire to have them as his
ultimate source of control
so i modified the rules a little and i
got a dog
remington was my first dog and he was
the best
he had so much personality he was
determined and strong-willed
and very opinionated i had no idea how
much he was preparing me
for raising a toddler once i had this
for a child in my life
it did not take me long to realize
that i was not in fact married to
someone who was quality dad material
the first time i saw him emotionally
break my dog was when remington was in
the backyard
rolling around in something really
stinky you know
like dogs do i will spare you
the traumatic details but in that moment
i realized
i could never have children with him
i knew i needed to leave to protect
myself
remington and my future children from
him
it took me longer than i care to admit
but with the love encouragement support
of my family and friends i broke the
rules
and i divorced him i promptly
changed my last name back to weisner
and then i got right back on that
patriarchal train amy
back to step one date a guy rush into a
rebound marriage
gets it worst again date some really
great guys also make some severely
questionable choices along the way to
avoid turning this into the
taylor swift of ted talks i’ll skip the
details
but rest assured i definitely got more
dogs
finally after several decades of
searching
for the future dad to my future children
something truly remarkable happened
i questioned the rules why do i need a
partner for this
why do i never question these rules
where did these rules even
come from it’s the patriarchy
you know the archaic system of male
domination over women the one that tells
us how to look and behave so we can get
a man
gross my entire world shifted when i
started asking why
that well-worn five-step process for
becoming a mom
the right way suddenly became
utterly meaningless at 43 years old
i became a single mom by choice
that was and will forever be the best
decision
i have ever made rejecting the rules
gave me
the greatest gifts of my life olivia and
caleb
when people learn that i’m a single mom
by choice they ask a lot of questions
and i
am beyond enthusiastic to share every
single detail ask away
i love telling this story it’s the story
of my two true loves of my life
my children and whether i’m talking
about my decision to become a single mom
or to stop coloring my gray hair or to
get divorced
twice or to leave a job i hated i
embrace every opportunity
to encourage support and empower another
person
to always question the rules
to reject the rules that don’t fit for
them to be vulnerable
and be authentic to be a rebel
but when i thought about sharing my
rebel story on this stage
i was scared i kept trying to
academically explain why we all need to
join forces
to dismantle the patriarchy why was i so
scared
because i knew that if people actually
watch this talk
i’m opening myself up to the internet
trolls
the shame judgment criticism name
calling
and gaslighting that is rampant online
is frighteningly similar to what i
experienced for eight and a half years
with an abuser and internet bullies
they don’t even have to face you when
they’re hurling insults they just
cowardly sit behind a keyboard spewing
hatred
i was afraid of those bullies i was
afraid
of receiving their hateful messages
however thanks to my beautiful support
system of wisdom-hearted women
and a few men i was loved
supported and encouraged to move through
my fear
and tell my story to inspire others
to question everything you see the
patriarchy will tell you
to get in your gender box and follow the
rules
it’ll convince you that if you don’t
conform
you’re not worthy of love and that you
are to be bullied until you follow the
rules
girls here are your rules you must
date marry and have babies with only
boys
and in the service of men you must be
young beautiful virginal submissive
quiet
nurturing powerless and opinionless
be the caretakers of men and children
and everyone around you
perfect your body and your home and your
kids and appear perfectly ageless
your entire body should be hairless
except that on your head of course that
should be voluptuous and blonde
or maybe brunette but definitely not
brave
women who assert their power are called
we’re told to be thin
but not too thin be fit but not too fit
and what’s crazy
is that the system has manipulated us to
keep ourselves in check
to judge criticize and shame ourselves
if we don’t look young enough pretty
enough
thin enough fit enough
i have plenty of personal examples but
most recently
when i learned that i was going to be
giving a ted talk
my reaction was yes oh i’m so nervous
oh i need to lose some weight
we look in the mirror and we focus on
what needs to change
what needs to be perfected we
are doing the patriarchy’s dirty work in
our minds
all the time boys and men
the patriarchy has rules for you too to
be a man
boys are told to man up act like a man
boys don’t cry every message tells them
that the worst thing they could be is a
girl
because girls are weak
when boys and men don’t follow the rules
of the patriarchy
especially those who are attracted to
men instead of women
they are shamed mocked bullied
physically threatened beaten and
sometimes
they’re killed when they get emotional
boys are told that’s so gay or dude
stop being such a chick boys and men who
are feminine
will always suffer the harshest judgment
in a patriarchy
the artistic emotional and gentle
spirited ones
the passive shy and affectionate ones
the small
delicate fragile ones
feminine men threaten the entire system
a system of male domination cannot
survive if its men
don’t act like men but here’s the thing
even though men are in a position of
power in the patriarchy
it has set them up for failure too
according to the world health
organization
western men are three to four times as
likely
to kill themselves as women
why because seeking help is seen as a
threat
to masculinity a world
built on the belief that boys and men
must be toxically masculine
and that girls and women are inferior to
men
that is not the world i want for my
children
when i look at what’s going on in
society i see
too many parallels with my personal
experience
of emotional abuse shame judgment
criticism name calling gaslighting
remember that promise i made to my
babies i would do
anything to protect them it is time
for something to change and i’m here to
ask for your help
when i left my marriage i did it with
support and love and encouragement i
could not
have done it alone and i can’t do this
alone
we need to join forces against the
bullies the internet trolls
and the shame messengers in our real
lives
we need to shut it down to my children
olivia and caleb society is going to
tell you
how to live your life it is going to
give you rules
please don’t wait 40 years to question
those rules
question everything now ask why and then
ask why
again and again and again push people
to answer those questions thoughtfully
every
single time know
your value know what you value
choose your rules and choose them wisely
to all of the grown-ups it’s not too
late
we have a lot to unlearn
but we can do it together it is time
to start a rebellion together
we can cancel the patriarchy
i hope that you will join olivia
and caleb and me
thank you