Accept Yourself Because This is You
the following talk contains information
about eating disorders and descriptions
of bulimia
induced vomiting binging and self-hatred
hello today i want to share with you
guys
some of my own story
i still remember the first time i called
the psychologist
i was eight years old and i was in
primary school
i didn’t have a phone so i had to steal
it from my dad’s pocket
why need to steal it instead of just
borrowing it from my dad
the reason was because i was afraid
that my dad would criticize me
because i miss my mom so much again
i miss my mom so much because she was on
her
business trip and today is the third day
she left
and as an eight years old girl i
couldn’t stop crying
all the time i miss my mom so much
i could hardly eat or sleep normally
in fact i soon discovered that children
my
age did not really react so much
when their parents left them i was the
overreactive one so
my dad started getting mad at me and i
had to
steal the phone from him to call someone
that may help me
i caught a number a woman on the other
side of the phone spoke up
hello
i asked hi are you a psychologist
yes i am what can i help you honey
yes i miss my mom so much
while others can leave their mom why
can’t
what happened to you mom nothing
she was just on her business trip and
today the third day she left
oh so really miss your mom so much right
yes i am i couldn’t stop crying all my
families and friends think i’m crazy
she said to me gently
hey honey you don’t need to cry
it’s okay to miss your mom so much
the thing you need to do first is to
admit that
you miss your mom so much you need to
accept it
you need to accept that you’re a girl
who love her mom so much
and miss her mom so much when she’s on
her business trip
when you accept it you accept yourself
and it’s really important for us to
accept ourselves
when we end up this call you can call
your mom you don’t need to hide your
emotion
you can just simply say mom i miss you
so much
accept yourself because this is you
accept yourself because this is you
the voice of the woman on the phone
lingered in my mind for a long time
except that you are not so strong
except that you are not so independent
accept such an imperfective
because this is you
then i pick up my school bag and start
my middle school life
because of the sudden change of the
growth environment
i lost myself i was in the same
primary school where my mom worked which
meant that
all of the stuff in my primary school or
colleagues of my mom
because of this special care i
do have more opportunities than others i
became the leader of
many activities and became role model
pressed by everyone
the result of it was that
i began to think that i
was omnipotent so i brought this
attitude
with me and start my middle school life
at beginning
everything’s good but as time passed
things changed everything started over
nobody knew me nobody heard about me but
i still think
that i wear the special one
as a class monitor i always think that i
was different from
others everyone should obey me everyone
should listen to me
as time passed i had no friends
all of my classmates started to
point at me and shouting who do you
think you are you snob get out of our
class
for countless nights i was crying in my
dormitory
and asked my mom why me
my mom said when you stay away from
mommies and daddy’s productions
will you face the whole world as a new
fresh independent person you need to
know that
you are just a normal person
you don’t have any superpowers or
privileges
if you want to be stronger you can only
rely on your own hard work
suddenly the voice echoed in my mind
again
accept yourself because this is you
growth is a process of admitting that
you are just a normal person
at the last day of my middle school when
i stood at the front gate
of my school and looked back at the
whole schoolyard
i suddenly realized that it took me
three years
to learn that i was just a normal person
only by trying to be the best
can i be convinced by my classmates
only by constantly striving can i get
more opportunities
only by practical efforts can i make
progress
accept such a normal self
because this is you
eight years have passed and time has
come to 2021.
now i’m a university student
and i believe that everyone is familiar
with
eating but it is
such a normal thing that made me feel
pain and desperate
in fact in the past year i became a
person
who don’t know how to eat like a normal
person
in the 4th of 2020 i was officially
diagnosed with
eating disorder in a symbol and
understand movers
i struggled with bulimia and vomiting
everything started with some comments
people around me
started to argue about my figure someone
said
hey how do you eat the whole pizza on
your own have you ever
realized how many calories it is or
hey you get in some way didn’t you i can
tell from your leg
i suddenly realized if
i had done something wrong and i
made a decision i have to lose
weight because of the long
term restrictions on carbohydrates and
fat intake i had an almost
crazy desire unstable food and
food with high sugar content
one night i saw the chocolate cake
in the kitchen carpet and then
suddenly lost control i ate
it i’ll see if i’m a tiger i was even
not sure if i really used my teeth to
draw it
everything seemed like i was just
machinically
stuffing the cake into my mouth more
terrifying thing was it was just the
beginning
i opened the refrigerator and took out
all the breads
ice creams pizzas i started to stuff
myself
one two three four no it’s not
enough i open the door dash and order
the full-size pizza and six hamburger
i grab the pizza with my hand and stuff
it into my mouth
hard chewing without any emotion
i didn’t have any consciousness
then suddenly everything was frozen
a sharp pain came from my stomach
and i couldn’t straighten up i land the
cold floor
and i tried to call for help but i
can’t because my stomach was so
full i just lay on the floor
feeling pain of every breath
then suddenly a sense of cute washed
over me
you already insist for a long long time
why can’t you control yourself just a
little bit do you really want to eat
that
if you don’t eat this will you die
i kept shouting on myself
and i had a bad headache and i knew that
i must
do something to save myself then
i rushed to the bathroom nearly on the
ground with my knees
my hand clinched into a feast
and i used my index finger to touch
the bottom of my throat almost
stuffing the entire fist into my mouth
i kept stretching my throat pressing
hard rubbing crazy and then suddenly
the room is spread out and it’s covered
the entire wall in front of me
i kept vomiting and vomiting until i
speed out
the green bitter bile
my eyes were bloodshot
my throat was pierced by my own finger
and my whole body was limp
i was trembled and fell on the floor
i was so weak but i feel satisfied
at the beginning vomiting is still once
or twice a week
but as time passed it got worse
sometimes i vomited until my whole face
was full of
acid my body could no longer support
my in my legs could no longer support my
whole body
and my throat was lost consciousness
i sit on the floor desperately
i could no longer eat like a normal
person
everything is over even a bite of
broccoli would make me mad
i start to hate myself i hate myself
because i had a crazy desired food
i hate myself because i couldn’t control
myself at all
every time when i stood in front of the
mirror
i started to blame myself
you ugly silly can’t control soft
fist
as time passed i had a tendency
of desperation i was afraid of
eating with my friends even afraid of
talking about
food i was so afraid that
someday someone will knew that i am able
and i didn’t want others to see my dark
side
so i hide my own dark side
deeply until one day
i finished vomiting and lay on the floor
suddenly my roommates came in and she
shouted at me
what happened to you
i was froze and my mind was blunt
and then i cried i told her everything
about my bench eating and vomiting
i would just sit here waiting for her
response
i was so afraid because this is the
first time i spoke it out
she helped me up passed me a cup of hot
water
and then she said i feel so sorry for
you
and i know that you must have suffered a
lot
but i want you to know that everyone has
their dark side
and no one is perfect it’s okay
to have dark side
start from now be brave
and face your own dark side you can’t
vomiting all the time
but there’s always a way that can make
you feel better
start from tomorrow face
vomiting bravely and you have to
overcome it suddenly
the voice echoed in my mind again
accept yourself because this is you
accept your imperfect figure
accept your dark side
the first step of self-change is the
food i eat
i begin to
focus on the process of cooking
and eating i insisted on cooking every
meal by my own
every time when i cut the broccolis or
the tomatoes i would cut them carefully
to feel their tenderness and juices
and i will place the food in a really
beautiful pattern
on the plate and i started to
record the food record the taste of
each dish the second
step of self-change is enrich my life
in order to disordering my attention
i begin to
keep myself as busy as possible i
entered to a lot of
courses i kept exercising every day
and i started to translate my favorite
novel
so you may want to ask can bench eating
and vomiting
be stopped by all of these ways
my answer is of course not
in fact most of the time
i still struggled with the crazy desire
of bench eating and vomiting just like
this
day after day until now
i still haven’t fully recovered
but i have to admit that
i was much more better than the painful
self before
and i started to talk to people who have
the same experience with me and
encourage them that’s the reason why i’m
here today
if i can do it then you can do it too
sometimes we’re scared by our own dark
side so we choose to escape
we constantly blamed ourselves
in fact we really
should reconcile with ourselves
everyone has dark side and no one is
perfect
we are great because we’re willing
to face our dark side and we have
courage
to overcome it
learn to accept and imperfect self
because of imperfections gives us a
reason
to become better learn to accept
our normal self because of normal
so we have to work harder
learn to accept a self with dark side
because it is always easier
to find light through the darkness
thank you